Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast: Episode from March 25th, “Chapter 15: Forgive and Forget???”

Guest - Dr. Pia (you may know her from Lifetimes Married at First Sight and she is a psychotherapist who specializes in working through relationship issues)

Accountability and forgiving yourself (Timestamp: 11:59) - Rachel: It took me a while to forgive myself because I was beating myself up and, thinking how could I put myself in this position? Why did I do this? Look at what it's created and just kind of getting into a dark place about it. - Rachel: And the more I learned about why I was choosing these behaviors and making these decisions and understanding, more of my subconscious programming, I was able to forgive myself for my actions. - Rachel: And I feel there was a huge accountability piece where I kept telling my therapist, I want to take accountability, I want to take accountability. And ultimately, she was like, accountability for you, Rachel, looks like protecting yourself. - Rachel: But ultimately, I am able to forgive myself. And I just rewatched Bethenny Frankel's podcast that I was guest on, and she asked me point blank, do you forgive yourself? And I said, yes. - Rachel: And I was very, it was one of those moments looking back at your past self, even if it was only six months ago, and being like, yes, yes, like a proud moment

Processing Sandoval recording me without me knowing (Timestamp: 15:14) - Rachel: Yeah, I'm just thinking back to the moment for me at the Meadows because it took me a while to process Tom recording me without me knowing. And it was so chaotic that I didn't have that ability to process what just happened. It was survival mode. - Rachel: And it wasn't until I had my one on one trauma therapy sessions in the Meadows that I was able to really start decompressing what he did and how he violated a personal boundary. - Rachel: And I remember telling him on the phone, after processing it, I don't think that I will be able to forgive you for this. And then a week later, he's trying to get me to hire his lawyer and fire my lawyer. - Rachel: And he like had a slip up and he said, the last thing that we need you to do right now is to go rogue. And I processed that in itself. I did art therapy and I painted out that in conversation. - Rachel: And I had this fantasy of calling him and being like, I've gone rogue and just hang up the phone and kind of like do that power move. And my therapist was like, well, well, we're not going to do that. - Rachel: Something that you said in there, you said it was out of my control, how he took that video without my consent was out of my control, and there was nothing that I could do in that moment. - Rachel: But then I also think back, well, I shouldn't have been doing anything with him anyway. So then it's a piece of like self-accountability, and then forgiving myself for that, because ultimately that's the place where there's so much shame and guilt and pain, obviously with a violation, but mostly shame, I think, because it's one of those acts that, it's a private thing you don't want people to know about, first of all, and then second of all, it's just an intimate moment. - Rachel then later on starts talking about this again at 37:42 - Rachel: It was such a process too, because, you know, I was still talking to him when I was in the meadows, and then I was beginning to process through this violation. And then I decided for myself that I'm cutting off all communication, and I blocked his number on my phone the day that I got my phone back, leaving treatment. - Rachel: And as I mentioned earlier, I rewatched the Bethenny Frankel interview, and I wasn't very expressive of how he's wronged me or like certain specifics because I didn't want to throw him under the bus. And then time has passed, and I've processed more. And now with my podcast, it's like, okay, I'm much more open with it, and I've been able to process through that even more.

Control over friendships (Timestamp: 33:55) - Rachel: I guess, personally, I have my own thoughts on it, but what would you say to somebody who wants to control, well, debatably, who their friends hang out with? If somebody wronged you so bad that you were like, no, this is unforgivable, and you have mutual friends, and your friend is like, no, you shouldn't be friends with anyone who has done that to me. For this specific example, it would be Ariana putting up the boundaries for herself on her friends that are in this friend group. - Dr Pia said that tricky because on one hand it makes sense for a person to be like why would you want that person in your life. - Dr Pia: And there's something to be examined of if we're trying to control who our friends are friends with. Because that other friend might be saying, it's horrible what they did to you, and I don't condone that, and I hate that, though two things can be true at the same time, right? I don't have that experience with this person. - Dr. Pia: That person and I get along just fine. They don't behave in that way, and it doesn't feel fair for me to now cut off this relationship with someone who I've had no issues with. So the antidote to that would be boundary setting. - Dr Pia: Okay, that's cool, but guess what? Please don't invite me into shared spaces where that person's going to be, because I am no longer friends with that person. I don't want to be around them. - Dr Pia: Please don't tell me what's going on in their life. I don't want to hear about it. Let's just respect the boundaries that me and this person no longer coexist. - Dr Pia: So you and I can maintain our friendship. You and her keep your friendship over there. So that's the piece of controlling yourself, because you can't control the other person. - Rachel: And I feel like I've kind of had to deal with some of that on my own too, because I've put this person out of my life as well. And we still have mutual friends. And I'm not telling anyone not to be friends with him, because it's ultimately your own decision and at your own risk. - Rachel: You have the data points, as you were saying, as to what this person is capable of and how they've wronged me. So it's like, continue at your own risk. But I feel like everyone should be able to have their own autonomy to make that decision for themselves.

***end of recap