Okay...I want in.

(A quick warning--this post mentions past struggles with mental health. And an apology for how egregiously long this is going to be.)

I have never been in the Twenty One Pilots fandom. I'd absolutely call myself a fan of the band--I'd maybe even venture to call myself a big fan. But I've been more of a "disconnected" fan, mainly just listening to the music, not really knowing much about the members of the band or the album lore, or interacting with the community. But after tonight...I want in.

For context, I first heard TOP about nine years ago--I have a sibling who's been massively into them for ages, and most of my actual knowledge of the band comes from them. I would listen to their music on occasion--I remember some of my earliest favorites being "Tear In My Heart" and "Isle of Flightless Birds," and I remember learning about the cryptic release of Trench from my sibling in 2018, and some of the funky concept album lore about the island(?), which was cool. I was also a big My Chem fan, so hearing their "Cancer" cover was fun. Well, as fun as listening to "Cancer" can be.

I went on for quite a while casually listening to a bit of their stuff--I loved "Level of Concern" when the pandemic hit. But...then came 2021.

I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Not the quirky, "I'm so organized" claim to obsessive-compulsive disorder that you'll often hear. Legit, hereditarily passed, clinically severe obsessive-compulsive disorder with rumination as the main behavior.

In 2021 it hit an all time peak. Picture the worst, most upsetting thing you can possibly imagine, then imagine having to ruminate about it for hours a day. Imagine the worst things you could possibly do--then accuse yourself of them. That was me. I was struggling every single day, extremely depressed and anxious...always. I didn't know what to do with myself. It felt like it was never going to end.

One night, I was going about my business, being a puddle of hollowness, when I heard my sibling listening to something in the kitchen. That song was "Holding on to You." I heard only a portion of it before I left to go listen to it on my own.

It...blew my mind. Never have I heard something I needed to hear like that.

The rest of Vessel followed quickly after that. Never in my life had I heard lyrics that so precisely captured what I'd been feeling. It just clicked with me in a way few pieces of music ever had.

My disorder is chronic--there's no pill you can take or rigorous therapy that will ever "cure" you. But Twenty One Pilots taught me that learning to be "okay" when you're drowning isn't being taken out of the water--it's learning how to swim.

I won't go as far as to say that Vessel saved me, but I'd say that it came pretty damn close. As close as I think music will ever get.

Enough sap from me. Two years ago I went with my family--including my aforementioned sibling--to go see the band on the Icy Tour. A few hours ago, I saw them play in my city again for the Clancy Tour. Both have been the best shows I've ever seen in my life. Tonight's highlight was probably Tyler throwing water on me. I've still got that post-concert buzz--I can still hear the bass vibrating and feel the cold concert venue air, full of smoke and sound.

After tonight, and after the insane shit the band has gotten me through, I've decided--I want in. I want to actually know who these dudes are. It is far too embarrassing that after semi-saving my life a few years ago, I still stop before I say "Tyler Joseph" to make sure I'm not getting the guy's name wrong (my sibling was very amused after the time I said "Joseph Tyler"). I also want to know the deal with the concept albums--I have a vague outline, but what's the full lore? Is there anything funny/interesting that would be fun for a "disconnected" fan to know?

Thanks.

Tl;dr - I'm a fan who's been listening for nine years and knows very little about them. A few years ago, their music got me through some crazy times. Now I've seen them live twice and decided I want to actually know what's up.