My whole life sucks - rant

TW/CW: bullying, suicide

Hiya...

I'm Eliza, i'm 19 from East Poland, I'm transgender female lesbian from little province. Yeah, you should know what's that's means.

My life is never was perfect. I was diagnosed on autism spectrum in age of 11. In age of 18 I got diagnosed with AD(H)D too. I always feel gender dysphoria. I never have much friends, no one cares me except my parents but they doesn't understand me and my mother and sister are openly transphobic and against hormones therapy. I was bullied in primary school, I have many traumas in my life. I was addicted from substance abuse for near 3 years, but I quitted it 8 months ago. Turns out that's this recovery sucks. Why?

On age of 18, I've meet her. I mean, she is transbian with AuDHD too. At first phase everything was great, we had some good relation, she used to call me a hun. Everything had been changed after a some lack of contact. Meanwhile in time I was in relationship with person with very bad reputation in community. (it's turned out that she was roommate with my friend and this friend doesn't reacted to her well). After some time we break up. In October/November I renewed contact with my friend but later turned out that's it's was unworthy, why? After renewing contact our relation was no more good, she looked like she doesn't care about me much, she started distancing with me, I tried rescue this relation, I cared about her son much, I always supported her. But she's won't did it back to me. I sent her much warning messages that's our relation is not okay but she doesn't took it seriously. Finally, yesterday, after comfrontation I written to her in serious tone why I don't felt that is serious friendship. I told her that's I did for her so much but she didnt did for me nothing. I gave her ultimatum - she should told me a truth why her currently behavior looks like this or she will still lie to me that's everything okay and only "my perception of relationship had been changed because I used to have crush on her". Despites my exceptations, she only seen it but she not responded to it nor she blocked me. So, I assumed that's this friendship was over. I stopped talk with her. I'm in meltdown because while I have a storng meltdown, she doesn't cares sm and she still continued integration in her community.

I think it's over. I never have friends nor sexual partners (which she always was tolding how much she had sexual partners. great bestie! but who fucking cares that's someone won't have so much luck like you). I was bullied and I was junkie due to disorders and traumas. My almost all relationships was big mistake except last one, emilia, I love you sm but hun I'm in the big crisis, but earlier I won't have so much luck. I was from fucking province without perspectives, my former friend are living in big city, I never had too real friends and my own community, but she have.

Yeah, comparing to my former friend is bullshit but turns out too that's we are never was have matching too, bcs too mamy differences.

I was poor and don't have much money, my parents are hardworking to survive and food us.

So, no friends nor partners, no money, got bullied in school, used to be junkie, have autism, have gender dysphoria, living on fucking province without perspectives, depressed, with anxiety, and AD(H)D, I lost my "friend" and idk why she behaved like that because she not told me.

My whole life sucks, and if I will choose a moment to end with myself, I think that's I found a good time for doing this.