TIFU by losing my entire life savings of over $600,000 to a rapidly developed gambling addiction and not being able to afford the taxes I now owe.

This may be a lengthy story as I'm going to outline how this happened from the bliss my life was before through the descent into chaos and where I am now. I (38M) had at one point amassed over $500,000 in a retirement account with over $100,000 in cash in my checking account. To start, many of you will immediately wonder how I even got in that situation so let me give a little back story:

I'm an IT professional with a background in software engineering although currently in management. I make six figures and have since I was in my late 20s'. I'm generally frugal, save WAY more than the average person and don't buy a lot of lavish things. I keep to myself most of the time, go out on occasion and buy quality on the things I use the most but don't over-indulge. Doing this has led to a happy and generally successful life where I never had to worry about losing my job for even a year much less where my next meal was coming from. I always knew that if shit REALLY hit the fan, I had enough money to survive for YEARS.

I've always enjoyed the occasional casino trip, probably more than my friends but it was never really a problem. That is until mid last year. I was a casual gambler playing mostly parlor table games when one day I went to the casino with $600 and sat down at an Ultimate Texas Hold'em game where I proceeded to win non-stop for hours. I continuously upped my bets and kept winning. Eventually I was betting table max ($3,000 all together with the various bets). The table was drawing attention, I was on a high. Everybody was winning (because the dealer was just losing) and I was winning the most.

A straight, followed by a full house, followed by another straight and another full house. Shit I was playing max bets, raising my bet 4x "blind" (without even looking at my cards) and would still win. Sometimes only with a high card. I COULD. NOT. LOSE. The table was all cheering me on because when I'd win another $2,000 or so I'd toss $100 chips to the others at the table as a kind gesture. The largest chips they had at the table were $500 chips. They ran out and had to order a refill. This happened SIX times. Six times they ran out of money for the players at our table and had to keep bringing more in. To avoid too much attention I would shove the $500 chips into my pocket and play only with the ones on the table. Any new winnings went into my pocket out of sight. At one point, they decided to change the cards which takes about 20 minutes so I got up to go to the bathroom. I thought my pants were going to sag from the weight of the chips. They filled my pockets so much I worried they might just spill out of my pockets.

I later found out that the pit bosses were getting calls from security asking them to keep an eye on me because they were suspicious that i might be cheating. And they said the security reviewed the footage of that night for days afterwards trying to see what was going on. When I finally stood up from the table I had won over $30,000 from my original $600 buy-in. That was a high I didn't know was possible. I could buy a CAR with that or ANYTHING I wanted really... but then I already could. There was nothing I wanted that I couldn't already have bought. The $30,000 didn't matter. I found out later that because I was betting so much, for so long, my "tier" status went to the highest level and that came with TONS of perks like a free cruise, free golf trips at a local private club and over $3,000 in food comps which were valid at even the fancy casino restaurants like their steak house. (I would eventually treat all my friends to multiple fancy dinners with this money.)

With nothing I wanted to spend the money on, I decided to go back again the next weekend. This time I played slots and table games, all sorts of things and again won more. Everything I touched won. Slots were paying me "hand pays" right and left. People recognized me from before and would stop to hear the story. I won another $20,000 over the course of the month mostly on slots with bets ranging from $5 to $60 a spin. It was all cash. Literal paper cash in my closet in $10,000 bundles just sitting there with no purpose other than to be use on more casino trips.

My friends all told me how lucky I was and loved to tell the story. It's fun to tell stories about "sticking it to the casino" everybody loves a good winner story. My friends all knew I had nearly $50,000 in cash in my closet. I had just bought a house and started fixing things up. I spent about $40,000 on the house covering paint, appliances, flooring etc. When I spent that money, though, I was careful to use my card and saved the cash for future casino trips. In the weeks that followed I'd slowly lose more and more of that $50,000 wad of cash. It became $40k then $35k and I kept thinking "oh shit, if my friends ask to see the cash I'm going to need an excuse for why I don't have it anymore. I should probably try to win some back at the tables again." Which I know just as well as you do now that this is a ridiculously stupid thing to even think much less attempt.

Eventually my mom would fly in to town to visit me and she lives in a state without casinos and enjoys going as well. She mentioned over and over how she couldn't wait to go to the casino and see how lucky I am. I had to make up an excuse for why I didn't have all the money I told about in my stories. I felt guilty and dirty lying about something as trivial as losing $15k but I didn't want anybody to know I "gave some back" like an idiot. Caving in to this feeling of shame and accepting my willingness to hide it would ultimately be my downfall.

After my mother left I had no other people to be accountable to. The casino offered me $250 every week and $250 every weekend in free play. I proceeded to go back to the casino twice a week.... of course "to collect the free play," but with my betting habits of occasionally betting $10-$50 a spin that amount of money can last anywhere from three minutes to literal seconds. Once its gone I'm at the cashier asking for money because I'm withdrawing $3000 at a time. An amount the ATM machines didn't' allow me to take.

I lost the money over and over. Week after week losing $3000 or even $10,000. One day I saw my banking app noted "You spent $30,000 less so far this month than last month!" and my heart sank. I knew I needed to stop... and I would, I just needed to bet bigger and have ONE of those good days to get me up maybe $20k-$30k out of my now missing $60-$80k and I'd just cut my losses there. This "logic" carried me for months as I spiraled.

I stopped going to the casino all together and the allure eventually faded. A few months later I discovered online casinos. I thought they were all illegal or didn't accept US customers, until I found one that did. I deposited a few hundred bucks and was able to play slots and table games while laying down in bed at night. The convenience of depositing money straight from my bank account effectively straight into a slot machine was just so easy.... TOO easy.

I eventually lost everything I had in my savings account. I felt empty. I felt nothing. The "well fuck it, what's another 10k at this point?" thoughts started creeping in. I used a credit card to see if it would even work and to my disappointment it did. I ran up the limit on my credit card hoping to win enough to pay it back off. When i reached the max, I requested a limit increase which was granted, then ran it up again. Out of sources of money, I decided to withdraw money out of my Roth IRA into my personal account. The wire took less than 20 minutes the first time. I felt guilty, i felt a rush of anxiety and thrill as I then immediately deposited that money into the online casino. I turned 10k into $0 in a matter of hours. I started depositing increments of $1000 because that was "Reasonable" and "less money" but I'd lose it and do it again minutes later... again "reasonable small increment."

When bills came due I didn't have the money for them, so I justified another withdrawal from my retirement account. This time it was "to pay bills, so I need this." I'd withdraw way more than I needed for the bills and blow the rest. During all of this there were of course moments where I turned $100 into $20,000 or $1,000 into $10,000 in minutes as well. It wasn't all losses which is what kept me hooked. If I could turn $100 into $20,000 just THINK about what I could do with $1,000!! I could get it ALL BACK!

I kept withdrawing money from my retirement account until I had withdrawn so much that the amount left would no longer even cover the taxes I now owed on the "income" and penalties incurred from early withdrawing money out of my retirement account.

I was so ashamed I didn't want anybody to know about any of this. I told no one. My closest friends are all wealthy as I was but without a gaping hole in their bank accounts. It got harder and harder to keep up with going out to eat and going golfing etc. My new house doesn't have basic furniture required to host guests, no large sofa, no reasonable dining table. It grew increasingly difficult to justify to all my friends why I haven't had anyone over and why I haven't bought a couch or even basic furniture.

The crippling guilt and anxiety over my looming tax obligation forced me to come clean to my best friend. I feel bad for having not said something sooner, it could have saved my future. I'm still reeling in shock with what I've done. It all happened over the course of a single year with the bulk of it over the last six months.

I've since stopped entirely. I've got my budget back on track and I have a plan for covering taxes and moving on with my life. Talking to my friend about it put it all into perspective. In hindsight I feel like I was in a massively depressed fog, not thinking clearly, not caring about my own well being. It all happened so fast.

I will be dealing with the fallout from this for the rest of my life, but the next few months and years will likely be the most difficult as I pay off all the debt I've foolishly accrued and try to get my life back together. I hope this post serves as a reminder to everyone to don't gamble at all because winning might be the worst thing that happens to you.

TL;DR: I won a TON of money gambling, then tried to repeat that experience over and over until I was broke. I took money out of my retirement to try and keep up the appearances and now I owe "income" taxes on all that money but its in the casino's bank account now.