Child free (not by choice) sadness

I am ready to accept any type of comment good or bad, I really need your honest opinion and to know if this makes sense or I am sounding like a child. I am about to break up my with my SO. This is one of those cases where the kids are not bad, my SO is an awesome man who genuinely loves me and doesn’t expect me to do any parenting, he and BM parallel parent so she is mostly out of our lives and our relationship as a couple is excellent. We’ve been together 3.5 years, living apart.

Some context about me- mid 40s, childfree (not by choice) woman, introverted, educated, attractive, active, hard working with a decent and demanding job. I have a fair amount of friends, hobbies, interests, a great family, lovely pets and things that fulfill my life.

BUT, …I am not happy, and I feel more and more depressed every day. We are not living together at the moment and I want to break things off before it is too late.

These are the main reasons that, finally, after a few years, I was able to put into words and I was finally able to understand my feelings and what was going on inside me:

  • I don’t want to be reminded every single minute of what I didn’t have. A simple picture, seeing them bonding, their connection… all those are triggers for me to dive into a state of depression because I will never have that. Jealousy? Maybe, but I can’t help feeling how I feel.
  • I don’t want to be reminded every single minute of his life with another woman. Every time I see those kids, I also see my SO’s past life.
  • I don’t want to spend the rest of my life adjusting to someone else’s family, going to their family reunions, events, weddings, grandchildren will come, etc.
  • Even though he has told me I am the best that ever happened to him, I know in the end I will always come second, or third, or fourth…
  • I constantly feel left out, even though he tries hard to make me feel part of the “family”, but the truth is I am not part of it and never will.
  • In a way, for the rest of the world I will always be seen as less, not blood, not the mother, a replacement.
  • The summer and holidays used to be the best part of the year, and now I’m starting to dread them.
  • Because all of the above, I live in a constant state of sadness and anxiety.
  • Since I didn’t have any kids, I prefer to live a child free life. I rather have my quiet and clean space that I don’t have to share with people who I really would never choose to share my life with.

In part, I didn’t have any kids because I spent too many years with someone I knew was the wrong person, and now it turns out I have to accept someone else’s baggage because they didn’t realize on time that they picked the wrong person. Someone mentioned something similar in a recent post and I couldn’t agree more.

If this helps a childfree person in any way, it will have been worth posting it. Lastly, to any single parent who might be reading this: please think twice before dating a childfree person. You know deep down you are being kinda selfish and you are possibly going to make someone miserable.

I also wanted to thank every single member of this sub, it has helped me tremendously.

Happy new year!