Anyone else struggle with this?

I’ve spent my whole life really, really hating my appearance, and seeing beautiful girls always hurt me.

The other day I got a compliment from a lady who sells my mum the big issue. Apparently she told my mum she thought I was really pretty. I PROMISE I’m not - I think she probably just got a brief glimpse of me on a good day and if she saw me up close she definitely wouldn’t think that.

I felt good for about a second and then I realised - I don’t think I’d be happy being a “pretty girl” either. Because if I was, I’d probably be going round making other girls feel insecure.

I remember crying and crying as a teenager because my friend was so beautiful and I was her ugly friend and I hated it.

I don’t want to be the reason anyone feels like that.

It feels like you can’t win. Either you feel bad about yourself, or you feel guilty for making others feel bad about themselves?

I know you could say “everyone is beautiful in their own way” but I don’t really believe that. Not physically.

It feels like this for everything. I used to want to be talented but if I was? I’d probably make others feel less than. Even being a nice person can make other people feel like they’re not nice enough.

I know everyone has their gifts but I don’t believe they’re equally distributed and I know in theory we’re meant to celebrate one another but in reality it’s hard not to make comparisons. Because is anyone really beautiful or talented or intelligent if everyone is?

It feels like in order for some people to win others have to lose and this realisation is driving me crazy. I think I’d actually rather “lose” because I don’t want to be someone who causes pain to others. But at the same time, I don’t like existing just to be ugly and incompetent so others shine brighter.

I don’t like this system at all and I can’t imagine any kind of existence where I could be happy because it feels like someone always ends up getting hurt

I’m not sure why I’m posting this in the spirituality section I guess I feel maybe people here tend to be reflective and may have had these kind of thoughts before?

I think maybe the solution is just for everyone to have no egos but idk how that could happen