How to deal with not being special

I know that I'm not special. I don't have any particular amazing talent or personality. I'm not beautiful. And I don't agree that "everyone is special in their own way" because if everyone is special, no one is imo.

I don't know how the "average person" deals with being "average" if that makes sense. And "average" is probably overestimating myself!

I don't know how to feel like I'm worth anything in a world with billions of people. If I died tonight, the world wouldn't care.

I know my family would, but that's because they're my family. If my parents had had another daughter, they'd be missing her, not me.

I know it's wrong to feel this way, but I ache to be special. I'm sure everyone feels the same way, and I know I'm no more deserving than anyone else. I can't help wishing I was beautiful and talented. I wish I was the girl everyone wanted.

I feel like it's wrong to feel like that, but after a lifetime of loneliness, of being the observer, of admiring others... I wish I could be reincarnated into a life where I'm the one who is admired.

Because honestly, I don't think you can just "work for" those things. I got cosmetic surgery 3x to try to get the face I wanted. I'm still unhappy. I'm not meant to be beautiful in this life, I can see that. I know that I can't compete with women with natural beauty. I know I will never have the voice of an angel or be able to dance beautifully, no matter how much effort I put in.

I feel vain, self-obsessed, guilty for feeling this way. I feel incredibly shallow. I complain about not being special and yet ignore others who I don't consider special. I'll be lonely and sad always because I won't "settle" for my life - I would rather not exist at all. That is genuinely how I feel. I don't want to "make the best of things" and be grateful for what I have.

I KNOW I sound terrible, but I'm just being honest. And it's not like I don't feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel extremely guilty. Because say the roles were reversed and I was everything I wanted to be? I'd probably be making some other girl like me feel bad about herself, and I don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.

It feels like - you either come into this world being "special", and in the process make many others feel bad about themselves, or you come into this world NOT being special, and have to watch others who are.

If only I could know that in this life, my job is to admire the beauty of others, and in the next life, it will be my turn to be admired. That would seem fairer. But then again, I really don't want to be the cause of anyone else's pain.

I do know that what I'm saying sounds ridiculous. I know there are people suffering and starving in this world. Suffering with painful diseases, homelessness, severe disabilities... and here I am whining. I know how it looks, and I do hate myself for it.

But the thing is - whilst I know I can't compare my suffering to someone in a warzone, the strange thing is that people there seem to have this determination to live? They seem to have more hope than I do, which is crazy. It's like they think if they can get to safety, life will be worth living - they think life is worth fighting for.

Me? I don't WANT to be alive. I truly, truly don't. Because I think I'm a bit of a narcissist basically. I don't think I'm HORRIBLE - I don't want others to suffer, I honestly don't. And I do try to help others. I spend a lot of time trying to help people and I worry about other people's feelings a lot. I'm a vegan and I'm trying to do activism to help those who are suffering. I don't think I'm a monster - at least, I really hope not.

But I do think I am a narcissist. Because helping others - it doesn't feel fulfilling, it feels like a CHORE. I don't get pleasure from seeing others doing well - and I know that's messed up. I feign happiness for them, because I do care about them, and it's not like I want to take their happiness away from them, but I'm always jealous.

Am I a terrible person? I really don't know. I'm still longing to be reincarnated into a life where I'm beautiful. I know it sounds so messed up.