Struggles, Reflections, and the Search for Connection

Hey, I am someone who has suffered from social anxiety disorder since I was a kid. Maybe this will be a little long, but I hope you guys will read it.

I am 20 now and only had old childhood friends whom I used to hang out with, but now they are all gone far away. I have even blocked everyone out to focus on my studies/work and learn new things, explore different things. I don’t know why I did this maybe because I was depressed atp. I had no problem with them, and they were the ones I used to enjoy living with.

I am really ambitious and anxious as a person. I am not even able to say hi to my relatives or talk during family gatherings and with cousins (but I miss them and regret not opening up to someone or to people who actually care about me. I’ve even cried many times because of it and still do, but in the end, everything just feels like it slips Everything ends and they go far away, getting busier with their own lives, leaving you behind in an emptiness that feels even lonelier than before). People keep asking me why I am silent and why I don’t talk with them. I just blush, having nothing to say. This has been happening since childhood. I have also never been in any relationship. A lot of women used to look at me and even tried to initiate and approach, but I just ruined everything and overcomplicated things. If I try to approach them, I feel judged, scared of rejection, or afraid of coming off as crappy or desperate. Then time just ticks away. Physically, I see myself as below average, even though people often compliment me. But, I feel like they’re just lying to make me comfortable or to initiate a conversation.

Usually, I only feel comfortable talking to people online via chat, maybe because it gives me a lot of time to think before I speak. But in real life, I can sometimes only connect with someone if it’s 1:1 and they are inviting me to talk, making me feel comfortable with their words and nature not in a group or a crowd. I study online and wanted to avoid distractions. I tried exploring a library in my city to study there but as soon as I saw other people studying there it made me avoid that place too. Even if I try to expose myself to such situations I still can’t handle them. It becomes much worse when there are women around, especially if I feel like they are attractive. That adds more pressure on me to be attractive too, but because of low self-esteem and fear, it just ends up feeling ruined and awkward, making the situation even worse. This makes me even more distracted from the goals I want to achieve, so I prefer to do my work alone at home.

This happens so often that I’m not even able to eat in public places or even with relatives. Even if the food served is tasty and I’m hungry, suddenly, I feel like vomiting and don’t want to eat anything. That’s why I avoid exposing myself to such situations, even if I need to. All of this feels like a distraction to me, but we humans are social beings, and it seems like my emotions always overrule me. At this point, I feel really hopeless. I want to do so many great things, but I can’t thrive any of it not even in approaching women or building a good relationship with them or talk with anyone make new friendships regardless of their gender. If I can’t do anything, then what is the point of my existence? Do you think being with people or someone you like can make you happy, cure your anxiety and improve your confidence? If we just stay like this, what’s the worst that can actually happen to us? Is it death? I also went to my psychiatrist a year ago. He prescribed me SSRIs and Ventab DXT, and gave some talk therapy but there was no difference. In fact medications seemed to dull the pleasure

If anyone relates to me, what do you do in such situations? Do you expose yourself to them more somehow? Do you take any medicines or supplements for it? Are there any classes, like public speaking classes, where you meet a lot of anxious people like us, support each other, and improve together?

Thank you for reading 😊