How was life so chaotic but I miss it ?

Hi! I’m 21 m and have struggled from 2020-2024 with extreme cocaine and alcohol abuse. I occasionally dabbled into prescription drugs and hallucination causing drugs as well. Usually about a gram to gram half daily. I worked a really good job during this years so I was able to keep up with the expensive drug habit. Was also drinking about 8-10 beers daily. I was somehow still able to function normal during all this, which surprises me bc after about 4 beers now I get very tipsy. The extreme cocaine use caused my mental and physical health to to deteriorate rapidly. Borderline drug induced schizophrenia towards the end. Burnt bridges with friends and family a lot. Some called me a monster. A lot of people have told me stories of things I’ve done ( that I have not been proud of ) and I have no recollection of said events. I recently moved away from the chaos and have been sober since 10/28/24 from everything but alcohol. I love life now. But sometimes I still miss it ? The thrill of doing something you’re not supposed to, the dopamine rush, the parties, the clubs, the women, the coolness you feel when you have everything everyone wants. Why do I miss this ?