I lost me.

So I’m a single mom, 30 y/o. I have a son who’s a year and a half (19 months). I have full custody and his dad is completely out of the picture. I’m living with my mom and my family loves my son, I’m lucky to have such a great support system.

Recently I’ve been feeling lost and not myself. I used to be a healthy and athletic person. I used to be slim/thin and I used to take care of myself (going to the salon, gym, spa, etc) I also used to have friends and hang out with them. My ex was abusive and he alienated me from all my friends and now that I’m out of that abusive relationship none of my old friends wants to reconnect with me (and I don’t blame them, it’s their choice and I respect it). I also work with all men and I’m the only female in my office (meaning no work friends).

Recently I’ve been feeling like I want to cry because of the overwhelming feeling of taking care of a child and neglecting myself. I hate how I’m gaining weight and I want to workout but I really don’t have the time to do so. The idea of asking my family to babysit my son makes me feel guilty and a bad mom for leaving my son even though it’s just an hour or two. I want to lose weight, go to the gym, go out, have a me day. But I can’t stop the guilt feeling. Maybe it’s a delayed ppd because I was forced to go through hell with my ex two days after I gave birth (that’s a story for some other time) and all of the feelings was building up and now I just want to cry.

I don’t blame my son for what I’m going through, he has nothing to do with it. And it’s me who needs to find a solution for what I’m going through and the whole feeling lost. I really don’t know what to do.