feeling disconnec

I relapsed for the first time in almost a year the other day. I’ve been in a really dark place and this is the worst my depression has ever been. I don’t know who i am anymore. throughout this whole time, i’ve been pushing my boyfriend away and i know i shouldn’t be pushing him away but it’s just hard to connect with him and open up about all my mental health issues. i want to be able to talk to him but my brain just won’t allow me to and i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to lose him but i can’t talk