Day in the Life of a Soulless Transplant (According to /rva)

6:00am: Wake up, listen to Pod Save America while sipping my Starbucks Macchiato.

8:45am: Start my work from home job as a Software Developer for evil tech corporation.

9:00am: Head to Starbucks to get another Macchiato.

10:00am: Head to Carytown, start work on my side gig of destroying local businesses. Attend meeting with wealthy contractor where we plot how we're going to bulldoze the VMFA to put up new high rise luxury apartments.

11:30am: Attend Soul Sucking Circle in a hidden room in the back of Burger Bach Short Pump, where we've secretly conspired for years to quietly raise burger prices to destroy the local burger scene. Begin Soul Sucking ritual to absorb all identity and life from local businesses and artists.

1:00pm: Stop by Starbucks to get a Pink Drink.

2:00pm: Head home, check email. Do some work.

2:03pm: Lead weekly Transplant Club meeting on Zoom, where we continue our letter writing campaign to local landlords, asking them to raise rents so we'll feel more at home.

3:00pm: Volunteer at secret concentration camp where we've been keeping all the local artists and musicians we've displaced, force feeding them Chick Fil A and making them listen to Sabrina Carpenter.

4:00pm: Attend investment pitch meeting at a brewery in Scott's Addition, where Trevin, who just moved here from Fall's Church, pitches us his new cryptocurrency, NoVaCoin. I invest $10k because I love helping local businesses.

5:00pm: Work on my draft of a bill to construct a new casino inside the science museum.

6:00pm: Get dinner at The Daily in Short Pump (the Carytown location uses too much spice).

7:30pm: Return home to my historic home on Monument Avenue. I admire my recent renovation - I painted the original brick black to give it a more modern touch, and took out the original landscaping to install a driveway wide enough to fit my two cybertrucks. It's perfect.

8:00pm: I get a craving for a night time snack, but I'm way too tired to drive to Short Pump again. I order delivery from someplace called "The Roosevelt" and generously tip the driver 10%. The steak is a little salty for my taste, but it's something. I give them a 2 star review on Google maps.

9:00pm: Sleep soundly, knowing that I had another great day helping to pull this city back from the brink of barbarism. With my help, we'll be just like Alexandria in no time, just as soon as I can replace that eyesore of a train station with a new Carvana location.

THE END