UPDATE: My [36F] son [21M] and stepson [16M] are having a blood feud and I have no idea why.

Original post is right here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4m7ml8/my_36f_son_21m_and_stepson_16m_are_having_a_blood/

So, a lot of people pointed out that in trying to be fair and assuming the issue was two-sided, because my son is older than my stepson, I had ended up ignoring a lot of signs that this was pretty one-sided, and letting my stepson get away with acting like a bully.

So, this weekend I talked to my husband for a long time, and we agreed we'd been trying too hard to see Anthony's heart without looking at how he was actually acting. It's easy to see the good in your kids when you know them so well, and know what they've struggled with. But actions really do speak louder than words.

For some background: my ex, my oldest son's father, was very abusive and controlling. Without getting into details, I was very young and very messed up by the whole thing (I had my son Yasha when I was only 15). I have a lot of trouble with confrontation, conflict, and "standing up" to people, especially men, even my husband and yeah, even 16 year old boys. (I put "standing up" in quotes because my husband is a very sweet and mild-mannered person who doesn't need to be "stood up" to, but going out on a limb to say something like "I think your son is causing the majority of the fighting here" is very difficult for me.) I let my own fear make me a bad parent.

Anyways, after my husband, I went and talked to my son for very long time (we were up until almost 2am!). I've said it before and I'll say it again--I don't know how in the world I ended up with a kid as wonderful and smart and sweet as Yasha, but I'm glad I did. I told him I was sorry for not having his back, and he told me immediately that he was sorry for making the house "stressful." I told him it wasn't his fault, and we talked a lot about why Anthony gets so under his skin when most things/people don't. He said he knows Anthony is just acting out because he's insecure right now (and it turns out my younger kids filled Yasha in on all kinds of gossip regarding Anthony's social life that we the parents haven't heard about), but that it really bothers him because he feels sometimes like he's supposed to have outgrown our family.

So I cried, but we talked a long time and I think it was a good conversation. Again: I am lucky to have Yasha. May all kids be as amazing as Yasha.

Anyways, Saturday night my husband and I sat down with Anthony to have a come-to-Jesus-talk. He was pretty good about it, all things considered. He asked why we were blaming him for "everybody" fighting, and we pointed out that we talked to Yasha and that the kids (my daughter and son) are not the ones getting into screaming matches. Anthony didn't break down crying or anything, but he said he knew he was fueling the fire with Yasha, and that he knows he was starting lots of shit and that he'd stop. We told him if he couldn't behave himself at family meal time and the like he'd start losing privileges (and he's learning to drive this summer, so that's a biggie!).

Anthony really isn't a bad kid--a lot of the comments saw him in such a negative light, probably because of the question I was asking in the first place. Anthony is a sweet kid who doesn't know how to sort of make himself presentable for other people sometimes. If he's excited, he doesn't know how to chill out, if he's mad, he doesn't know how to calm down, if he's sad, he doesn't get why everybody else in the world isn't sad too. Which sounds like he's selfish, but it's more like he's just not very mature yet. He's working on it. His dad and I are going to try and reconnect him with his old therapist, especially since some of the things Yasha told me seem to say he's having a lot of trouble with friends at school.

So hopefully this summer will be more peaceful! I'm hoping Anthony can see how he's dragging everyone else down with his insecurity, and Yasha and the kids and I are going away next weekend to see the kids' dad's family (long story), so hopefully that will help show Yasha he always belongs where we are. :)

tl;dr: Talked to husband and both boys a lot. 16-year-old was able to acknowledge that he was starting arguments out of insecurity and 21-year-old was able to say why he was so bothered. I'm working on my own fear of confrontation.