what do I do?

hi. obvi I'm using a throw away so.. basic info. ILL REFER TO ME, (f20) as G (for gabi) and fiancé m (21). for c, as in chase.

To begin,

me and C had met at the beginning of 2022. It was a relationship where we both put everything, we knew into it. Chase had got back from college, or an attempt at it, and I was almost done with high school. I had (TW ) many attempts, but none to cause any harm long term.

we both should have gone to therapy, but we kind of became each others therapy. not healthy, but we were happy.

long story short, i got kicked out of my parents place for different views.

his family took me in. His dad gave me a hug the first morning that I was there, and his mother made my favorite meals for a while. His older sister was a sweetheart to me. They accommodated around my job(s) at the time as well.

We started to fight a lot. It really took a hit at my mental health. Some of the things he said and did, i still hold grudges about. I just cant move on from it. it hurted that bad. I was the bad guy in about 95% of the fights though, so i kinda deserved it. I felt like he was going to leave me. I still do. always. no matter how much security he offers.

after a while, his dad started to become a different person. I have bipolar 2, so my depressive states are bad. I was diagnosed with it when i was 16, due to obvious school reasons but also genetic.

There was a trip where his mom took me to NY to meet the other side of his family, all expenses paid. His dad found out one of my habits that I have had.

I take dishes up and dopnt bring them back down. sometimes it can take weeks for me to bring them down because I forget to, hide them out of self shame, or just dont have the energy. Those dishes were right around another attempt.

While we were in NY, his dad messaged us photos of said dishes. Right after i had just gotten comfortable, after i had settled. I broke down so much.

After we got back, i never viewed his dad the same. Then i had a one sided (just me) spat with his sister. She was just trying to be nice but i took it the wrong way. i cant see her the same way again.

after that, we moved to our own apartment. I told him at first, i would take care of cooking, cleaning, etc.

im starting to notice he puts everything but me first. His car. His finances. His family. everything before me, and our almost marriage. Today we were supposed to get married by signing papers. But this morning, after I had gotten off of work, hge said "oh, i forgot to tell you, but i wanted to work on my truck today." He has put off doing our paper for the fourth time. It's either his family, or he forgets, or something else is more important than me. I have had a bad day today. Actually, a bad week. never mind, month. This has always been the one thing that has kept me going. Marrying the love of my life.

June, i left a bad job. we experienced financial issues because of it. He then though providing was showing me love, despite me never giving him any indication that I wanted my love to be shown like that, because I feel like its a basic human thing to provide. I got depressed again. badly. I just didn't show it as much because I didnt want to stress him out. Chase is a blue collar worker who works five tens. I always tried to have a smile on my face, clean clothes, clean apartment. No matter how much I struggled. Made dinner, Clean bed.

This week has been rough.

I passed out trying to donate plasma, started a new job that makes me wake up at 5 am. I typically always stay up until 11 PM to make him dinner. I lacked that, and in turn, costed him not having dinner. Im also recovering from having something that no doctor saw in the Xrays, which has bills that now I have to figure out with my parents health insurance. I have some freetime but ive been so tired lately to the poiunt where i cant. i just lay and doomscroll. The laundry is clean, folded, but on the floor. Pizza that I got for him, is still on the oven, because he never put it away. dishes stack up quick. bed is never made anymore. I just give up. I broke down and told him about how unappcriated i felt. He told mne he does and gave me hugs. But he keeps on showing me he doesnt.

today was my last straw. Woke up at 4:30, so i could take a shower and get ready for work. Went to said work location, then locked myself out of my car. Keys, phone, everything.

My work has a Ipad that we use only for work related purposes, but I created an insta and gmail so i could reach out to him, my dad, and the gmail for my boss. My dad was the first one to reply. All he wanted to do was make sure that I was okay. He had other plans, but he would pick me up after he was done seeing my baby brother at the hospital if i still needed him (at 11AM, i got off at 11AM). I told him to not worry because i know that Chase would get me, because he wakes up at 8 and the commute is about 15 mins away.

He didnt message me until 10:06. He told me he'd be there, and he was there when I was supposed to clock out. I was overjoyed.

He unlocked it, but he said he'd try calling me because he wanted to tell me a way to unlock a door so HE wouldnt have to drive to the other side of town. Get this, my dad would have been more than 20+ mins away farther than him for ubering, and he'd still pick me up and make sure I would be okay. never said anything about how HE was being inconvenienced. My dad has in the past, and my sweet dad will do it again in a heartbeat for me again. he had to drive 45m one way, but my dad has done 1+ hr one way during him ubering just for me.

we have never had a perfect relationship (dad and I) but its getting better. while i feel like my fiance and I's is getting worse.

Then, not even 20-30 mins later, i get a call. Chase's truck is broken down on the side of the riad, and he needs water. Got it, i will be there ASAP. I usally go 5 over near the right lane but i went 20+ over in the left lane because I was afraid that he would have a heat stroke as his truck has no AC. Still traffic caught me behind. Irt got to the point where i was going 5 below. I felt so bad.

After that, i made sure he was okay. he was. I told him i wanted to go home, but he wanted me to follow him to his parents place so he could see if his coolant is leaking. cool, got that. Then i went to his parents place and hung out for about an hour because i was on the verge of passing out. i was so sick of the road.

I felt okay, but i was getting hungry. I asked about food at the circle K, then about Wingstop. he loves wingstop. But i was shaking because my blood sugar was getting really low. he asked me to get more water for his truck.

I should also mention, im on my moon cycle RN. i am known with endometriosis, and my cycles are heavy and painful.

I ended up getting food at the gas station and getting him his water.

At the gas station, there is a cashier that really liked me. he bought me chocolate, even though he only saw me for no more than a minute. That reminded me about the countless times ive talked with customers at my job today and they showed me more empathy for my awful day than chase.

I told chase i got food at the gas station. I also told him, i was shaking. What did he do? ask me about wingstop. I reminded him i got food at the gas station, and he asked me "what about dinner then"? i told him i was shaking so thats why I had got the food. By that time I was beyond over it.

I drove home, and now im looking at one way flights top my childhood city. I told Chase I wanted to go back. i cant stand the southwest at all. But, thats where he wants to stay. He doesn't want to move where I want to be.

When I texted my dad if he's be mad, he quite blatantly texted me, "why would i?"

Chase had me so messed up, because chase would be angry, rather than accepting what I have been saying for months.

I have begged him for flowers, for him to help with dishes, for loving me in my love language. for months. he said he'll do it more after our fights, does it for a week, then stops. there was a point in our latest fight, wher ehesaid " i feel like i sound like a dick, and i feel like I look like one because of what i did". He went into our room and threw pillows around, and very loudly complained. I was upset because of a lack of communication about him bringing food home from a friend. He though i would be grateful. I was not. I was very upset because I grew up with food scarcity. he knows it. Now i feel like i am in debt to said friend, and thats a big deal to me. he knows that. but to him, it isn't. He didnt communicate. Something I keep on asking him to fix. ive lost track on how many times ive asked him now.

we sacrificed so much but its getting to the point where im crying 60% of the month, in front or away from him.

am i wrong for just wanting it to end? im about to make my paychecks go to my main personal, enough to move. i dont care if im homeless at this point. i just want to leave. but i cant, because i love him. i dont know what to do.

What do I do?