i (22f) have vaginismus and feel lost because my boyfriend (24m) is pressuring me

My boyfriend(24m) said that if i(22f) don’t give him sex, he will find someone else who would. I have vaginismus and i am a virgin. We’ve been together for almost a year and tried to have sex several times but the pain is too much to bear for me. I’ve been planning on going to a gynaecologist, but my bf doesn’t want me to. He sees this situation as a chance for me to show him how i’m prepared to suffer through pain for our love. He wants to do everything himself.

No matter how many times i tell him, that it won’t stop hurting even after we do it for the first time, he doesn’t listen to me. I don’t want to traumatise myself more than i already am by associating sex with pain. And the fact that he wants to do it despite knowing that it hurts me a lot, is scaring me, like i would never want to hurt him for my own pleasure. He also said that no other man will put up with this except him, so i should think carefully about this. I’m just so lonely and never had a serious relationship before, so i really am scared of losing him and going back to being alone.

My self-esteem is pretty low so i actually believe him about the fact that no one will love me with this condition. But it hurts so much i feel like i’m broken, i don’t even know if i deserve love at this point. Deep down i understand that a loving bf wouldn’t say something like that to his gf, but it’s like my brain doesn’t even work properly anymore.

I’m just so sad and lost, i’ve tried really hard to stay positive, but the amount of pressure and guilt i feel is killing me. I can’t even do anything love related without thinking that i’m a freak or a coward. I’m so tired i started cutting myself to try and endure as much pain as i can to prepare for the pain of the sex but of course it doesn’t work. The cuts don’t hurt nearly as much. Anyone who experienced vaginismus, how do you cure it and live with it? Can it be cured by brute force?

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your support, truly. These past few days were pretty tough for me. I went to a gyno and turns out i have and inflammation or something, but the doctor said that anatomically everything is ok. I’m taking medicine right now and taking care of my health.

When it comes to my bf, it’s over. At first he was supportive but very soon found something new to get offended for. He showed his true colours and said that he chose me, because of his trauma after being cheated on by his ex gf. He told me that he would cheat on me with someone right now, and that he has no feeling left for me, except the wish to hurt me. It’s hard, but i don’t see us even staying friends after everything he told me.

But still, thank you everyone, i really appreciate everything you told me, it made cry real bad. I never expected so many people to care about me, it’s like i forgot how normal people behave. I was afraid to post on reddit and felt overwhelmed at how much attention i’ve gotten.

It’s a shame that my first serious relationships were like this, and i’m not gonna lie and say that i’m not traumatised by it. But, i’m glad that it ended before anything serious could happen. I’m going to take care of myself and my health, thank you so much, everyone.