Executive Order 14099 - Ensuring the Integrity of Presidential Eligibility
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Purpose.
The office of the President of the United States is a position of immense responsibility, requiring sound judgment, moral integrity, and at least a passing familiarity with the Constitution. Historically, the American people have exercised their right to elect their leader with great discernment - except on those occasions when they didn’t. This order aims to establish basic common-sense eligibility requirements to prevent individuals with deeply problematic track records from assuming the highest office in the land.
Section 2. Policy.
It is the policy of the United States that the President should, at a minimum, meet the following baseline standards of decency and respectability:
(a) No Convicted Felons – While America is a land of second chances, some second chances should not involve the nuclear codes. Individuals who have been convicted of felonies - particularly those involving fraud, obstruction of justice, or attempting to overthrow the government - shall be deemed ineligible for the office of President of the United States.
(b) No Documented Misogynists – Leadership requires respect for all Americans, including the 51% of the population who are women. Therefore, individuals with an extensive, well-documented history of misogyny - including but not limited to bragging about sexual assault, paying off adult film stars, calling women “nasty,” or believing that women’s primary societal role is decorative - shall not be permitted to hold the presidency.
(c) No Habitual Liars About Election Outcomes – Those who have demonstrated a persistent inability to accept the results of a free and fair election, particularly by inciting mobs, pressuring election officials to “find votes,” or attempting to install themselves as president despite losing, shall be deemed unfit to serve in the office they refuse to acknowledge is beyond their grasp.
(d) No Epstein Frequent Flyers – Anyone who was a passenger on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet, commonly known as the “Lolita Express,” shall be automatically disqualified from holding the presidency. Regardless of whether they claim they were “just getting a ride” or “had no idea where they were going,” participation in such an elite yet profoundly suspicious travel club is not a qualification for public office. Those who appear on Epstein’s flight logs but have not made a public, detailed explanation of why they were on board shall be deemed permanently ineligible.
Section 3. Implementation.
(a) The Federal Election Commission (FEC), in coordination with the Department of Justice and the National Archives, shall be tasked with conducting a thorough background check on all presidential candidates to ensure compliance with this order.
(b) Any candidate found in violation of the above provisions shall be disqualified from the ballot. If they insist on running anyway, they shall be given a sternly worded letter, followed by a legally binding restraining order preventing them from appearing within 100 feet of the White House.
Section 4. Exceptions and Waivers.
(a) The provisions of this order may be waived if a convicted felon successfully completes 5,000 hours of community service, publicly apologizes on national television, and demonstrates an ability to answer basic questions about the Constitution without attempting to amend it via social media.
(b) Individuals with a history of misogyny may be reconsidered if they complete an extensive gender-sensitivity training program, donate at least 50% of their net worth to women’s rights organizations, and publicly acknowledge that women are, in fact, people.
(c) No waivers shall be granted for individuals who attempted to stage a coup or were caught enjoying the perks of Epstein’s highly exclusive yet deeply problematic air travel service. Some lines, once crossed, remain uncrossable.
Section 5. General Provisions.
Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect: (a) the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency; or (b) the fundamental right of the American people to make questionable decisions at the ballot box, so long as those decisions do not endanger democracy itself.
This order shall take effect immediately and will remain in force until such time as Congress codifies these provisions into law or the American people collectively decide to start electing presidents based on principles of basic decency.
Signed,
Chad Integrity McDecency
DISCLAIMER:
THIS DOCUMENT IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND POLITICAL HUMOR. IT IS NOT A REAL EXECUTIVE ORDER, NOR IS IT INTENDED TO BE INTERPRETED AS ONE.
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