I hate being pregnant

12 weeks FTM. And I hate being pregnant more than I ever could have imagined to the point I don’t feel bonded or connected to the pregnancy at all. It just feels like something that is happening TO me and I wish someone could sedate me and wake me up when it’s over.

Every day is miserable. I’m nausous, heartburn makes me feel like an old man having a heart attack, my hips hurt so bad I am already waddling (starting PT tomorrow thank god), no food sounds good anymore, I’m so exhausted constantly that my limbs feel like jelly, I can’t do the things I want to do, and none of my clothes fit me anymore despite losing 4 lbs in the first tri.

Before this, I was in amazing shape and took great pride in my appearance. I went to the gym at least 4x a week. I would run 8 miles in the morning before my husband even woke up. Now I get winded going up the stairs and my six pack is a thing of the past. I can maybe go to the gym 1-2 days a week but mostly have taken up light hiking because my SI joint is out of place and makes mobility extremely difficult. Like it’s literally hard to walk! It’s insane.

Summer is starting and instead of looking cute and going out with friends and staying up all night like I normally would, I’m a hermit because I feel so shitty and I’m so humiliated with the way my appearance is going. I don’t feel cute. I have a tiny bump and I just think I look grotesque. My body image has never been so bad, and maybe I’d feel better about it all if it hasn’t been so physically taxing but I can’t feel happy or connected because of how awful the experience has been. And honestly, I feel like overall I’ve had a much easier time than a lot of people because at least I don’t have HG or something and it’s so far a healthy pregnancy.

I just can’t wait for this to be over and I needed to rant somewhere. I’m worried I’ll be a terrible mom even though I always wanted kids so badly and never thought pregnancy would make me feel this awful and depressed. I don’t really have anyone else I can tell this to so I’m shouting it into this void. My husband gets frustrated because there’s nothing he can do to fix this. I’m the first of my friends to get pregnant. And well, I’m supposed to be happy and everyone else is so happy for me. It’s kind of like I’m the only one that isn’t happy right now.