How Do You Feel After a Binge?

After 60 days clean, I went on a 12-day binge. Every day, I watched for about 20 minutes. At the time, I told myself it wasn’t that bad. But when I stopped, reality hit me hard.

The first two days after stopping, I felt numb, indifferent—like I wasn’t even in my own body. Then on day three, it all crashed down. Brutal headaches, insane anxiety, this deep sense of doom. My mind was a foggy mess, my thoughts were scattered, I had no appetite, and I couldn’t even ground myself. Nights were the worst—agitated, restless, like my whole system was rejecting me.

This is pure poison. And yet, after every long streak, I somehow forget how bad this feels. If I could hold onto this memory, I’d never relapse again.

Anyone else go through this? How do you remind yourself to never go back?