Banned from dating app

I’m just upset. I just want the pills. I know it’s “wrong” to go asking for them but I don’t know what else to do. Someone was asking if I’ve seen a dead body. I was gonna trade my body for some pills but it wasn’t the right kind. I’ve had some oxys and hydros, the oxy is all I want but no one seems to have any. I’m not hooked on them but mentally it’s all I want. I don’t want to be alive most of the time but these give me something to live for. But I can’t find any and I’m stupid to ask on tinder and throw away chances at real connection. But I just can’t do life anyway, with or without the drugs. I’m fucked up. I don’t care. I care too much. I give up.

Yeah, I’m in psychotherapy, daily. I’ll be in therapy forever unless I pretend I’m fine and only then until I crash again. This is without drugs. I have terrible pains through my whole body and my spine from falling 11 months ago. I’m only 25. No one can help me. I’m sorry. I’m just venting.

Edit- Please don’t shame me for coming to this space to be honest about my feelings. I’m only looking for connection and to feel less horrible.