My friend died and I don’t know how to fucking take it and I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions

So a friend of mines from high school just passed, even though I haven’t seen him in person in years I really admired this guy and he was great. Former marine, made a family, and now only at 35 he’s gone. I don’t know anyone who hated or even disliked him and it shows in the pouring of emotion he had on Facebook. Even sadder is his dad also passed a two weeks ago, and while it seems like he was going through it didn’t seem like he was so bad off that we was going to pass. My friend had his health problems for years and every once in while would let people know through his Facebook that he was having a hard time some times. I’m guessing the stress of his dad passing was too much him with his condition and I don’t know how he passed still and I’m not going to dwell and ask his wife or any of his other family because I feel like that’s too intrusive.

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes as I type this but man I feel so done. We weren’t the best of friends, and with me and him being the same age I have to say he came of as a big brother figure who I looked to as a weird kid in high school looking at another kid who seemed so far ahead of me that I took a lot of pointers just watch this guy being liked and having an outgoing personality. Just an awesome guy all around who could have been written as a main character and hero of a movie or something in my eyes.

When someone dies like this I tend to not think of myself as there were definitely people closer to them and what I’m feeling pales in comparison to what I know they’re feeling.

But god damn it has me pondering my mortality. Yesterday right before I went on Facebook heard the news I was just down and already thinking about my life and those around me, I’m not suicidal nor do I have suicidal thoughts but I find myself thinking about getting older and death more often as I age and seeing the guy go just adds to that feeling. Seeing someone way more active than me, a guy who did all the right things have his health problems and then go like this is just fucking heartbreaking and makes me fucking hate life even more. I know life isn’t fair, death isn’t either but this feels so fucking unfair while absolute scum continues on and seems to live long lives. My friend had sons, one who is so young it makes me sad because he may not even have good memory of his dad as time goes on. He had his health issues but everyone had hope.

But I feel like just giving up on life, not dying but my life is average and I don’t really see much I can do at 35 to make it better. The whole day I’ve been thinking about this trying to find bright spots, in fact my life has felt like this for a few years finding motivation and bright spots only for something to happen that hits me right in the gut and takes the wind out.

I just can’t level with this though, part of me wished in the time I knew of his health issues that it didn’t happen to him and it should be way worse guy with no kids to think about and pretty much nothing going for me.

I wish I or someone could have saved his life and his dad’s life.