My friend’s boyfriend kissed me.

I feel like a horrible human being.

Throwaway, obviously.

Eight years ago, i moved in with 3 other girls, one of them, C, was horrible to me in the beginning but I couldn’t move out due to financial reasons. She borrowed money from me constantly and then went on to call me cheap because i was a conservative person. She came from a really wealthy family and bullied everyone who wasn’t her standard of pretty.

Her boyfriend, J, came over all the time, he and i got along really well, we liked similar movies and songs. J was a compulsive lier and a manipulative asshole, he would talk about other girls in C’s absent but me being an 18 year old idiot with zero self confidence, let him manipulate me. He complained about C all the time and told us he was breaking up with her, they broke up twice a month.

One christmas, all my roommates were gone home and J and I were leaving the next day, J suggested we get some alcohol and some weed and like an idiot i agreed.

We drank and smoked for a really long time and a part of me tried to pull away as i felt his hand on my thigh but a part of me still thinks that maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I remember asking him to stop and him still tipping the glass of whiskey in my mouth.

We didn’t have sex that night but a lot of other things happened and i felt horrible the next day.

We never told C and while i felt guilty for the next 4 years that we lived together, J acted like what we had done wasn’t wrong, he invited me over to “chill,” again. He cheated on C a few months later and somehow in his absence C and i became amazing friends but the guilt of that night remained with me.

To this day I don’t know if i could have fought harder or i was too drunk and taken advantage of, or a part of my insecure self knew what was going to happen and let it happen because in my head i was getting back at C for bullying me and I live in fear that if the rest of my roommates find out they will shun me. It’s been eight years and we still hang out.