Finally cutting off my narcissistic mom years too late

I'm 30 and while this is a long story I'm going to try to be brief. My mom, 50, is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with narcissistic features and she's been ruining my life since before I was born.

((Tw for sa, CSA, addiction, and physical abuse)

I was born a week before my mom turned 21, but she was such a severe alcoholic growing up, my family took bets on how severe my fetal alcohol syndrome would be. Lucky for me, I only ended up with a heart defect and some mental health problems, but I have a normal IQ. My mom didn't want kids, she wanted my dad to marry her, but when he dumped her when I was 6 months old after finding out she lied about multiple things (her previous divorce, her alcohol use, her job as a stripper, and her ethnicity.)

Once my dad dumped her, my mom left me at her parent's house until I was 5 while she went off to college. During this time, I was SA'd for the first time, but my mom forced me to be the flower girl in my abuser's wedding and made the couple my God parents, making me spend weekends and one night a week for music lessons with them until I was 9.

When I did move back in with my mom, her alcoholism and health were so bad, she was constantly in and out of the hospital and barely cared about me. She walked in on me being SA'd at this point and beat the shit out of me for "trying to seduce grown ups". Meanwhile she got a boyfriend who abused us both physically and she forced me to get in between them when he tried to kill her, telling me after that if he had shot me, nobody would have missed me, but as a nurse, she would've been missed, so I owed it to her patients to protect her. I was 7.

When I was 8, I was SA'd with a knife and when I tried to ask my mom for help, she screamed at me that I was having my period and was lying and forced me to use a tampon, and when that didn't stop the bleeding, she made me put on 9 layers of underwear and 2 pairs of sweatpants so I wouldn't get blood on her furniture. I kept trying to tell her what actually happened but she said that I was trying to take her job away from her by making child protection get involved and pushed me down the stairs. I later discovered that I got a concussion from this, and I started having seizures regularly, which never went away.

When I was 10-11, my mom got a new boyfriend and I made the mistake of asking him for help and telling him that I had been repeatedly SA'd. Instead of helping me, he began showing me CP, beastiality, and started taking naked pictures of me to sell online. He started trying to talk to me about sleeping with him and his friends for money, but my mom found the internet search history and flipped out. She accused me of searching everything myself but surprisingly believed me after awhile and kicked him out, but instead of calling the police, she went on a tangent about her career and factory reset the computer before donating it to a recycling center and buying me a new computer with the understanding that I was never to speak of the situation again.

When I was 12 I had a severe mental breakdown. I was clinically psychotic and severely self harming, but whenever I got to a mental hospital, I broke and told them everything. I was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder and my family finally learned what happened to me and informed me that my mom was diagnosed with BPD and narcissistic features and that she was always like that towards them, but they thought she loved me and was just struggling. They had no idea that she had been abusing me to maintain her image and forcing me to stay silent about the abuse she was allowing.

My mom agreed to give up her parental rights in exchange for keeping her job and license to practice, and as she was in law school at the time, they allowed her to take the bar exam and become an attorney. I spent over 8 months in a mental hospital, a year in a residential treatment facility, and I was in foster care until I was 16, at which point my newly sober mom (and her random new AA husband) just took me back with no issue.

My mom immediately made me drop out of school and she got me an unpaid job at her friend (and affair partner's) tattoo shop. She convinced me that my disabilities were so severe, I could never live alone, I needed to get on SSI when I turned 18, and as a result I couldn't work unless it was under the table. I actually enjoyed doing tattoos and piercings and wanted to do it professionally, but whenever I told my mom, she decided that "piercings and tattoos are self harm" (even though she has 30+ tattoos and multiple piercings) and told me that I could only work at a shop with only sober staff, which is pretty much impossible.

I tried living with my dad for awhile but he died of a massive heart attack when I was 17, so I was forced to go back to my mom's. She promised me that she would help me get back on my feet because I was disabled and now didn't have anyone but her, but the second I turned 18, she told me that she was leaving her husband for her affair partner, and he didn't like cats, so my pet cat and I had to go immediately. She handed me a number for a homeless shelter and told me that I had a week to get out.

When I got to the homeless shelter, I actually started talking to people and understanding that my mom had purposely used me to get college grants and to impress people she wanted to date but otherwise didn't see me as a person. She didn't care about my well being at all and only saw me as an accessory to her life. She purposely stopped me from succeeding in school and the workplace because it made me easier to manipulate. And she built a career in nursing and law on the back of my abuse.

I started keeping her at arm's length, only really having her around to be a grandma to my kids. But a few years ago, when I tried to leave an abusive relationship, she disappeared and told me to grow up and deal with it myself. No legal help from the lawyer in her, no mental health support from her inner nurse, just pure narcissistic "it's not my problem", even after I stood between her and her abusive ex who was holding a gun when she needed it, she wouldn't even give me a number for another lawyer. I got out of the situation by myself, but I ended up in severe debt, with no resources or help left, especially because I had to move when my ex began stalking me and threatening our son's life.

Recently, now a parent with three small kids, I went through a really rough break up. I lost my house, my transportation, my job... Everything but government assistance gone (my ex even stopped paying child support). So, since my mom is now on marriage #4, to a rich foreign business man, and she's a well off New York lawyer, I asked her if she could help me find a place, apply for college since I've gotten my GED, and if she could help me figure out how to get daycare with the child care credits from the state. I didn't ask for money, I didn't ask for her time really... Just some phone numbers and websites.

She went off on me that I didn't deserve her help because I "betrayed her". How? It was brought to my attention by the authorities that the CP and other evidence of abuse from my childhood is still publicly available online and I cooperated with the investigation because I want the creeps who hurt me to go to jail so they can't hurt anyone else. My mom found out and she sees it as a personal attack against her, even though she was only questioned as a witness and isn't in trouble (yet).

I just told her that she ruined my childhood and the cycle she created ruined my life. She doesn't have the right to tell me that I can't talk about the abuse I suffered, especially when they're medical records proving it (I can't have kids naturally because of the abuse, I have to have C-sections due to internal scarring). I also pointed out that, as an attorney, she should be glad that the people who raped her child are going to go to jail, but she accused me of "trying to drag her into drama from when I was in highschool" and tried to gaslight me by saying that she threw away the old computer because he was using Adult Friend Finder on it, and accused me of lying about the CP "unless I took it and posted it myself". Again, she's accusing me of doing this at age 11. 11 year olds don't traffic themselves.

I gave up and told her she's dead to me, and that she needs to stop telling people that she has a child and grandchildren because she doesn't care about us. I told her that I've known that she has borderline personality disorder with narcissistic features since I was a teenager and I hoped she had gotten help, but it's clear she hasn't, because she sees everything as transactional and can't express empathy towards anyone else. I also asked straight up why she's a nurse and attorney whenever she doesn't feel compassion and she admitted that it's just for money.

I'm sick of her shit and from now on, I'm an orphan. She might as well have never been there, she's never actually been a mother.

Bonus list of other shit she's done:

-made my grandparents raise me and pay for her college so she could keep up with her party girl lifestyle

-continued stealing money and occasionally valuables and prescription pills from my grandparents into her 40s

-forced me to lie during visits with her when I was in treatment and foster care that I was in a high class boarding school because she didn't want people to think she was a bad parent (she was)

-when she got sober and joined AA, most of her recovery friends were registered sex offenders, but she still brought them around my friends and I regularly and didn't tell us until we found out from our teacher that her best friend was convicted for CP charges

-she's gone bankrupt twice but still has an addiction to Coach, Gucci and Prada and eats out at restaurants every night with friends and has done this my whole life

-when I was 14 and in a treatment center, she took me on a day pass, screamed at me and hit me for several hours, took me back at which point I sobbed for hours, and then she called me from a mental hospital the next day and calmly and casually told me that she realized during that day that she hated me and that she relapsed and attempted to take her life after dropping me off, and wanted to tell me that even though it was my fault, she forgave me

-she once got denied a loan at the bank while I was waiting in the lobby as a kid. I watched her start screaming and flailing her arms like an animal in the employee's office, she stormed out screaming nonsense, flipped off all the employees while screaming "FUCK YOU!" over and over, and then stormed out and drove off without me before coming back after I ran out after her, confused

-I had to get a rape kit done after one of the times I was attacked and when my mom was informed that I had scarring from previous abuse, my mom flipped out and left me there alone. It was the hospital that she worked at, so they called her and threatened to report her for abandoning me and neglect if she didn't come back, so she returned but refused to speak to me for at least a week after because "I embarrassed her"

-she used to get drunk and forget to pick me up from school or forget parent teacher conferences and other important events for me as a kid, but she would always gaslight people that it was my fault and I either lied/didn't tell her about the event, or that she told me to walk somewhere else to get picked up and I forgot (I didn't have friends or family close enough to walk to from school and I was supposed to get picked up every day)

-she told my psychiatrists that I was a compulsive liar and that I was making up being SA'd, but after the evidence was found on medical exams, they stopped believing her and made me aware of her mental health diagnosis

-she had me put on pills as a kid that caused sleep paralysis and trouble waking up, and so when I would first wake up, I wouldn't be able to move for several minutes, though I was fully aware. Her solution for this was to put a washcloth over my face and pour water over it. Aka waterboarding. My mom woke me up by waterboarding me in third and fourth grade. And I didn't know that was abnormal until I was about 13

-should mention for clarity, she's been "Cali sober" since I was 16, but before that she was in and out of AA and rehab since before I was born. She would be sober for awhile, relapse, flip out, find a new niche sober lifestyle (she's been a sober country girl, sober biker, sober hippie, born again Christian, sober rock festival groupy, and currently she's a Muslim revert)