I've been losing it :)

Lately I've been getting worse and I really need to vent I guess, my mother just belittles everything I say because her traumas worse than mine, even though I have permanent scares from self harm and have tried to kms, she just puts it off because it could be something that she would have to compromise for and then I couldnt be her unpaid slave when she wants me to. Anyways, I'm really starting to fucking lose it and IDK why, I seem to just get worse and worse as the days go by, no matter how many pills I pop. I have Mildly treatment resistant depression, but it seems to be getting harder to treat, a long with paranoia and reactive attachment disorder also getting worse, I can't seem to love really, No matter how hard I try my love for my friend of 9 years is just gone, I can't seem to love them no matter how hard I try, there a great person and the only reason I'm alive, yet I can't feel anything unless I'm manic. I feel happiness with friends, but when I'm at home I just feel pure hatred towards everything and everyone around me, I keep having the urge to grab lower jaw and rip it down words where it strips of my throat and skin, I want to stab myself in the throat over and over for no apparent reason other than the untarged anger if feel, even now I have the overbearing urge to rip my throat out. I keep having to fight the urge to kill my dog or neighbors dog because there barking sends me into a blind rage, and I'm one shouting match away from putting a knife to my pos narcissistic mother. I keep thinking that the people in my house are going to hurt out kill me and I swear sometimes it's almost like they can hear my thoughts. I keep popping up out of bed and looking around or staring at my door because I swear there's someone who's in my room trying to kill me, or I'll swear I see faces made of shadows. I keep seeing images when I close my eyes or they sometimes flash in my mind and I'm sure that I see them, things like a hallowed out face staring at me from under my bed or that there's a large shadow creature with a pale white women's face and straight black hair, needles for fingers who wants to peel my skin off. There's so many shadowy creatures that I see, pictures in my head so vivid that I swear it's real. I keep feeling all of this in random intervals, and it just depends on what way my mood swings, but almost always I see figures in my head that I think are real and I'll sometimes see there faces in dark corners. I don't know what's wrong with, I just want to scream.