Is it worth it? Late night confessions

I haven’t applied yet (plan to take MCAT in March and apply 2026) but I just can’t help but feel kinda tired even burnt out a little bit. It’s not like I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a doctor, but the past three years have just made me realize how much I love research and my PI. But I’ve only been at my basic science lab for a little over a year, and I’ve done minor clinical (helped write a systematic review) the year before switching labs. It’s not like my Gpa is bad (3.85+ both cum and sci) nor do I have bad hours. It’s just that emotionally, I am struggling to see if this whole thing will pan out well. Since hs I’ve gone through a lot of family troubles so now I feel like I’m slowly burning out from that now that the family stuff is over (parents got divorced thank god).

Maybe it’s because my school wants me to go through the committee letter process this spring and now that im starting to think about the two personal statements I have to write on top of studying for MCAT, it’s pretty overwhelming. I have a pretty bad internal monologue that criticizes everything that I do, tells me that I’m weak, not good enough, and will never do anything impactful. And over the past couple years, that voice has slowly gotten the best of me instead of it initially pushing me to be better.

I struggle with motivation if I don’t have a clear goal, and I also struggle with my emotions and I overthink. But that overthinking has led me to be a better scientist, one of the more clear reasons why I want to do md/phd. If I can’t study the brain, I don’t think I even want to do science. I love being in lab, it’s just so calming and seeing mice and planning experiments makes me very happy and relaxed and focused. And nothing else is able to do that in my life right now. I think it’s because focusing on the details calms me down. I intentionally tell my dad (mom is abroad rn) that I’m too busy during the breaks so I don’t have to interact with him and get to be in lab (a win win).

I just want to be exceptional, I want to be able to meet MY expectations, which I understand will take years to meet. I want to change how people perceive certain misconceptions or uncertainties with my research and care. But you know, despite all the depression, anxiety, and suffering that has happened in my life I just find a lot of fulfillment in seeing others be/feel better. In some way I feel useful when I am able to help patients, and my own suffering doesn’t seem as bad when I’m with them. Is this a form of healing or neglecting my problems? I’m not sure.

Well. If you got to here, thanks for reading this. I think I’m really frustrated that I can’t think of a good way to tell the personal statements without seeming like I struggle with mental health stuff.