please help me, how do i cope.

I'm visiting my parents rn. He somehow turned off the parental controls. Lied about it and well I found out. It's too much for me right now. I feel disgusting and I feel that this whole situation is disgusting. I have to go back home tomorrow (a dorm, we live together in it) and I'm scared that I won't be strong wnough and just crumble. I know I will just swallow the pain and act like everything is okay again. I still love him despite the disgust and everything he has done. But I can't do it. Leaving is very very complicated and it is not an option really. I feel like this will end up with me commiting suicide if I don't find a way to cope. I'm too young for this shit I'm literally 19 I can't do this. Please help me.