Epiphany

I always felt like I gave you my heart a long time ago. I think there are moments I do give it, and then it is taken back. Or maybe it was always a wish. Me standing here holding my heart with a guarded stance wanting to give it but being afraid. Afraid that at the end of the day, I will find out that who I am will ruin things. Another felt feeling deep down, I shrink back because I am ashamed of my own heart.

Finally accepting the truth about my purpose and what I am naturally wired for has puzzle pieces coming together. Understanding always takes the longest to catch up when other things have been in the works and are waiting at the finish line, "sheesh, what took you so long?"

I have been learning with each passing day on how to unlock the box my heart was locked in. And the wild thing was seeing a shift that really showed me I have been finding the way to keep my heart from being locked away, without wearing my heart on my sleeve.

My mom dropped by to give me something last weekend. She could see that I was in pain because I don't care to lock things away anymore. I even gave explained to her portions of why because she asked. I cried. I didn't care that she saw. I didn't walk away feeling hopeful or anything. It just was.

The way I was wired, there were things happening in my mind that was unusual for my age. Things I shouldn't have been able to do. I was feeling and comprehending at a level that shouldn't have been possible. Whenever I made that known, I was told I didn't know what I was talking about and that I was a liar.

I was left to figure out how to be ok with violent abuse while I held all the pain and sins for my family; my fate of becoming many. But more than that, I personally couldn't handle my heart. I further locked my feelings away from myself. It was the only way I could survive.

Having so much access to feelings that I shouldn't have had developmental access to and no one to help me navigate it while I was being destroyed. I couldn't handle it on top of everything else; the cruelty I could see everywhere around me.

I could plainly see as a small child that our world was burning. That we were polluting it and destroying it and no one cared. Just like no one cared that I was dying day by day.

How could no one care about treating other humans like trash? Couldn't they see that we are all connected? That the differences make us distinct and beautiful and a way to learn and grow in ways we couldn't imagine?

How could we treat animals with cruelty? Don't they know what it's like to see your own demise stomping towards you and mercilessly throwing you around like a rag doll? Can't they begin to see that animals feel terror just like we do? That they have unique personalities? That the more we start asking different questions the more we are realizing the truth that has been staring us in the face, that there is much more going on than was understood?

The only way I knew how to be ok was to separate myself from things and lock it away. I am reclaiming more of it every day.

A couple of weeks ago, I said the words, "I know too much. I see too much. The thing I thought they loved about me the most was what ruined everything." How I am wired is what draws people to me, they are drawn to my light and the fact that things can't be hidden. People are drawn to that, but we all want to retreat and shrink back to the darkness. Even I do. But, what I came to the realization of, me trying to hide who I am hasn't saved me from loneliness and pain.

Walls and wards are crumbling left and right. This doesn't mean I will approach you with flawlessness. I'm human after all. The thing I realized yesterday is that I need to find things that will help me understand how to be what I was meant to be because no one really has understood what that meant. They have had inklings of it, but people in my life don't really understand what it truly means. And it's funny how me seeing that they don't fully understand it has helped me see that their opinions about how I should seek love and connection can only take me so far.

As I sat on the feeling of shrinking away from my own heart, it was funny that the images and felt feelings was this sense of being a loser and here are these other better parts of me that aren't. Let me go back to hiding. I feel too much. I am too ridiculous. I can't handle things. That's how I was feeling a few weeks back coming here and laying myself bare. Not just for you, but thousands of people.

So, at the time, given responses I was getting in different ways, it made me doubt myself and it felt like...well...I can't keep getting cut over and over. I know I have things to learn and grow from and repair, and I was also doing my best to try and navigate something that was deeply hurting me at that time.

Things are shifting on all sides. I am learning how to not give a flying fuck in the best way possible when I let my heart speak and be seen. It's why I shared thoughts the other day that I know most people would not appreciate or understand. I put them out there because it was what I was feeling and thinking and just with having it in the open led me to what it was that I was needing.

So, where does that leave us? Well, it leaves me with getting down on my knees with my hand outstretched. If you approach, you will see a key.

It's yours.

I have been so afraid to give it to you, but I have faced the fear of being without you. It has been as awful as I imagined. I would rather risk fucking it all up by putting everything out there than never trying. That would be the only way it would make permanently losing you bearable.

This is the strange thing. This whole experience has deeply shown me how much words and moments are branching scenarios that are living and breathing. We all are so quick to label things as good or bad. Right or wrong. I can definitely say that I am sorry for how my own pain and limited sight can influence how I respond and further cause that chain reaction for you.

I want you to be my closest most trusted confidant. I want you to be the person who joins me in the shadows to understand ourselves individually and together. I want to continue to rise above the hands we were dealt. I want to be able to make mistakes with you. I want to be able to come back and repair and grow stronger and closer with you through that process. I want moments where we laugh so hard together that we cry. I want moments where we get lost in all manner of adventures. I want you to see me cry at things most people would scoff at. I want you to see me unapologetically dance and sing. I want you to see me stand my ground with power in my voice saying, "that's fucking bullshit." I want to change the world with you. I want to live with you. I want to love with you. I want to grow old with you.

Completely yours,

I love you