Help me decide - suspender belt or no?

I've been feeling all sorts of feelings this week, and honestly, I don't know how to process them all. The more I tried to ignore my thoughts, the more my nervous system went into overdrive—like throwing fuel on an internal combustion heater, turning the sweat tap to full. Anxiety took over, making it harder and harder to speak up.

I was overwhelmed, freaking out internally, hoping no one would notice, and dreading the question: "Are you okay?"—because the moment someone asked, I knew the tears threatening to spill would be impossible to hold back. Then came the shutdown. A full-blown autistic shutdown. A delightful ‘tism bonus round I haven't had to mask with them before. And now, I can’t change how I acted in the moment, which just adds to the endless loop of ruminating thoughts.

Did I overstay? Should I contribute more? Should I talk more—or less—when I’m hyper and rambling about absolute nonsense? Should I suggest more activities, plan more things, be more decisive? Or is that overstepping? My brain keeps cycling through these questions, making sleep impossible.

And then there’s the bigger question gnawing at me: where do I fit in this dynamic? Throuple vs. triad—what does being "the GF" actually mean in real terms? What are the expectations and boundaries from both sides? Is one-on-one time off the table, or is that something I should be looking elsewhere for? The intimacy they have with each other is built-in—where does that leave me?

It’s a lot.