i hate this fucking disorder

writing this at 5:30am after (shocker) another night of laying there for four fucking hours with my eyes closed listening to my partner snore and breathe way too fucking loud i genuinely want to take my fucking life!! i am SO SO SO fucking sick of being like this it genuinely feels like the torment is never going to end. i dont even struggle that much mentally anymore and my life is good but i cant take another night just laying here in agony feeling like my muscles are eating themselves because im so restless but i just. want. to. fucking. sleep. it genuinely feels like mental torture i feel like im in a mental prison every fucking night im so sick of this.

i would seriously do anything to have a normal functioning brain that lets me fall asleep whenever i want. this disorder is so painful and makes me wish i were dead most nights, or better yet feel like im dead every day because im just fucking exhausted. im so sick of taking it out on people and just constantly being irritated i dont want to be like this anymore. it feels like its never going to get better because ive been like this for as long as i can remember. im never going to be able to live like a fucking human being.

i dont understand how im meant to function and go out every day to work or college when im just too fucking exhausted to do anything but look at my phone. i just hate this shit. i cant count how many nights ive just laid here sobbing my eyes out because im so tired that im in anguish. i feel like a shell of a person. like im wasting away and im throwing away my life i just want this all to end im starting to not care how.

insomnia is taking everything from me it feels like its going to fucking kill me one day. im sick of hallucinating from lack of sleep i dont want to feel crazy anymore. im so so so sick of my heart constantly palpitating and feeling like its going to give out. im sick of acting insane all the time because im just not fully there. every night im tempted to just slam my head into a fucking brick wall to finally pass out. no meds have ever helped me i feel like legitimately nothing can i have tried EVERYTHING.

it feels like no one will ever understand either. insomnia isnt viewed as a serious thing but it genuinely makes me feel disabled most days. i dont know if i can keep living like this LoL