This isn’t how I thought college would be

I started out college with a lot of hopes, and made some friends pretty quickly. It was a tight group and we did almost everything together.

But slowly, now all we do is keep fighting with each other. The only reason we’re all friends is to just somehow get through college without having to change the set of people we sit with during lectures.

I’m someone who can be outspoken but I also apologise for any rude comments, I pick out birthday presents for them, I bake cakes and biscuits for them on special occasions like any festival or birthday, if there is only one seat in the hospital I always stand and let them sit, even if I’ve been on my feet for 6 hours straight(happens if an SGD is right after clinics). In my ward and SGD groups, I’m the one that organises the timings with professors in a way so that everyone can have maximum amount of free time, I always give proxies for anyone who is absent. But I feel like they just kind of…expect it from me. When I’m absent, they just say, “oh sorry I was too scared.” On my birthday, they didn’t get me anything, not even a pastry. One friend gave me a little diary she herself said she had laying around the house.

I’m in my final year now, and I’m preparing for USMLE, and I plan to give step 1 in a couple of months. I told only my closest friends about this and now one of them made a sarcastic remark, saying, wah you are so much above us. Only one of them asked about how I am, how I’m dealing with the stress etc. The rest just ignore it.

My first instinct right now is to just withdraw and get through college like I got through school during NEET UG days.

So I’m here to ask my seniors, what should I do? Should I put in more efforts with my friends? Should I put in more efforts with my social life? There is an intern party tomorrow in the hostel, and one of the intern didis I am friendly with did invite me a long time ago (in a vague way “when the intern party happens I’ll invite you properly, do come”) but she hasn’t texted me either.

What do I do? I kind of just want to say fuck it to any social life. My needs for socialising are somewhat met with my boyfriend and some school friends. Every time I’ve tried to socialise in this college, I’ve just been met with some kind of heartache.

It’s my final year. I could just get through it with the bare minimum amount of interaction. I guess I just never thought I’d have nothing to show for my college years, no friends no happy memories. Just trying to get through it day by day.