I’m so tired of living like this

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of struggling. I had to quit my job back in August because of what it was doing to my mental health. But at that time, I was able to order comfort meds to be able to quit while I was finding a new job. And I did okay for about a month or so. Then of course like an idiot I did the whole “one last time”. We all know how that works out. I still haven’t been able to find a job. I’m able to make enough money every other day or so to just keep myself well. Rehab is absolutely not an option right now. Subs never worked for me in the past and methadone isn’t feasible. I feel so stuck. I’m depressed. I keep trying cold turkey and I break down before I can even get to 48 hours. I was hoping I’d be able to go through telehealth for gabapentin but they can’t prescribe it in my state. I don’t know anyone I can cop from or cop benzos from. This is just pure hell right now. I want to find a job so bad but i don’t want to be withdrawing at a new job. I’ve got plenty of kratom on hand for if i can eventually get far enough through cold turkey for it to start working. I know some people shit on kratom, but I had really good luck with it in the past. I would much rather be on kratom than subs or methadone anyway. I just don’t know how to get through that 3 or 4 days.