Toddler pushing/hitting friends and family, I’m in need of neutral responses and natural consequences.
My son is 2yo, almost 3 (in sept). I was raised with spankings and punishments and so was my husband; my sister is using physical punishments with her toddler as well. So we are very new and a little alone in our “gentle” or “connection-focused” parenting. We also have a daughter 18mo.
Potty training went super well, we used the book “Oh Crap!” and it was a little life changing for me because she really emphasized neutral responses (“Poop goes in the potty.” rather than “Oh gross, how could you do that?! Ugh, I’m so tired of your accidents” etc) and consistency. I grew up with a lot of shame as well so I am very sensitive to labeling my kids with negative qualifiers. I feel like the whole potty training thing really resonated with the way I want to parent: consistent opportunities to practice proper behavior, neutral attitude toward mistakes, incorporating the child into the solution, etc. But this pushing stuff is putting me over the edge and I’m struggling to figure out how to respond.
It seems like every single social situation we are in ends with either my husband or me dragging my screaming toddler away because he simply will not stop hitting/shoving/pushing his friends.
It goes like this, usually one of two scenarios: he will be frustrated at a toy taken or someone getting up into his business, and push them away from him. I intervene and say “we use gentle hands with our friends, if you need help sharing or playing ask mommy for help” and redirect. Most of the time this works okay, but I’m not sure of a natural consequence if he continues to shove the child, particularly when he seems to do so anticipating their unwanted involvement again. It feels unfair to pull him out of the play space when he’s reacting to his boundaries being violated but obviously the safety of everyone is my top priority.
The second scenario is usually when he’s a bit tired or overexcited: a group of kids at church or the park will want to play chase or tag, and he will just football-style tackle them or push them to the ground while screaming. I intervene and use a few phrases, like “we use gentle hands with our friends” or “that is not safe to push friends” and then if he does it again I take him out of the scenario saying “I am the grownup, and it’s my job to make sure everyone is safe. You are not being a safe friend so we will take a break and calm down and try again in a bit.” Sometimes this works but mostly it doesn’t. Occasionally if I’m by myself I’ll resort to strapping him into a high chair or stroller to keep the other kids safe so I can eat or change his sister’s diaper or whatever.
Then after the first or second “break” is up I usually follow him around the rest of the social time. This results in me not being able to socialize with other adults or give any attention to his younger sister, and it also frustrates him. I will physically stop him from running into the other kids. He perpetually asks me to go away, but if I give him any distance he will start pushing again.
My husband insists that this is normal behavior and we’re trying our best and doing just fine, but I hate the sideyes and jokes from my family about my son being a menace. It also is starting to feel like play dates are more work than they are worth. Especially if we have to leave 30 minutes in due to my sons behavior.
I know that he is aware that what he is doing is wrong, because usually when we get in the car and start to talk about whether or not we had fun and the things that we did, he always just wants to talk about the pushing and having to sit with Mommy and take a break. Even days later, I will say something about church and he will respond with the names of the girls that he pushed the last time we were there.
Whew this got rambly. Sorry.
TLDR: my almost 3 year old is pushing and shoving his friends, sometimes provoked, sometimes unprovoked. I’m looking for:
- Best responses to use
- Best natural consequences for pushing
- How to manage interactions
- When to give up and leave
- How to prep/debrief these incidents with my son
TIA