Help me to get better

Hi ive been in "recovery" for few months (from restricting for 8 months), but that meant still restricting, counting cals and being hungry all the time, because i decided to add 100 kcal each week to my daily value (that took way longer than each week) and now im at 1800. The problem is that i feel so fucking sick all the time, i dont have energy to do so many things i really want to start eating more but 1) im 5'2 and not very active (i do like 10k steps a day and train at PE classes 2 times a week) so all the stupid calculators tell me that my maintanance is like 1500 which triggers me so much 2) yea, it triggers my ed voice which tells me that "ive been in recovery for so long that i dont need to recover rn from anything, because look im eating more than many people! How can you honor extreme hunger if you eat normal amount of calories, its not extreme hunger, you just make things up! the real sick people go all in after longer period of restriction, how can you do that when you did that for "only" 8 months and for last few you ate non extreme deficit?!" My hands are so cold, my bp is very low, i want to stop thinking about food all the time and being hungry all the time but the voice in my head keeps telling me that i dont deserve to go all in or anything like that :((

sorry for my bad english, im not a native speaker