I threw out the rule book

Since my baby was 7 weeks old, I tried to follow a schedule and was obsessed with nap times, wake windows and routines. Everything used to go well, she woke up a couple of times at night for feeds but I honestly felt more rested than what I expected.

Fast forward now, she’s 10 months and sleep is the worst it has ever been and has consistently been lousy for a few months now. Ive tried everything, sleep training (couldn’t handle cry it out - we room share) feeding at night not feeding at night, capping naps not capping naps, blackout curtains white noise bath massage lavender - everything under the sun for her to sleep through the night; nothing has worked.
Whatever thing that’s a ‘rule’ or advice I’ve done and now I’m just tired. The kind of tired that’s embedded in my bones tired.

Today she woke up at 5am and refused to go down for her first nap of the day, so when she finally slept at 9:45am, I let her sleep, for as long as she wanted to and it turned out to be a 2 hour 45 minute nap during which I also got some rest, I read my book, did absolutely nothing.

Right now it’s 6:07pm and I’m feeding her to sleep. And I do not care if it’s early. I don’t care that she shouldn’t have slept for this long today because she didn’t have a second nap. I know I might have a shitty night again but I’m just going to feed her and put her back to sleep as soon as I can.

I don’t care about the rules anymore. I’m so tired. I’m so so tired I just want days to pass. Whatever it is, however it is, it’s one day closer for whenever if ever she does actually sleep through the night right? So f*** it.

I’m not keeping track of anything anymore.