I’m 36, and I feel completely lost.

I don’t even know where to begin, but I’ll try to make sense of it all. I’m a 36-year-old chef, and after more than a decade in the industry, I should be running my own place by now. Instead, I’m barely holding it together as a junior sous-chef. My career has been a series of highs and lows, and every time I think I’ve found my path, life pulls me in another direction—or worse, I sabotage myself.

I moved from Qatar to the UK three days before lockdown, full of ambition, ready to take my career to the next level. I had good job interviews lined up, but then everything shut down. I was unemployed for three months. During that time, I leaned into my other passion—photography. I’d been into it for a while, especially color grading. I even worked with some local drill artists, did over 12 projects, built a portfolio, and put myself out there. Nothing came of it.

To survive, I flipped burgers. Eventually, I landed a job at a nice Arabic Mediterranean restaurant and threw myself into it. Photography got pushed aside. Then, that restaurant shut down too—two days after New Year’s. I was out of work again.

I kept chasing the dream of doing something creative, even bought a mini studio to do photography from home. But rent went up, and I needed more hours at work. Photography went back in the closet, literally. Then I got into FPV drone flying, invested in a Mavic 3 Pro, built a whole website, planned to do real estate and event videography. It was all set up—I just needed to start reaching out to clients. But my chef job kept eating away at my time and energy. I kept putting it off. Then a junior sous-chef position opened up, more money, more responsibility. I took it, and just like that, my drone plans disappeared too.

This cycle keeps repeating. Every time I try to break free, I get pulled back into the kitchen. I tell myself, “Okay, let’s push for sous-chef, stay with this company, and make it work.” But in the back of my mind, I’m already afraid that I’ll fail. Even when I believe in something, it just collapses.

And then there’s my mental health. Anxiety wrecks me. Talking to people? Zero. That’s why I struggled with photography—having to direct people, set up shoots, put myself out there. Maybe that’s also why I can’t push myself to run my own restaurant.

While I was in Qatar, I got introduced to Clonazepam (Rivotril). That little pill was a game-changer. It opened me up, made me social, gave me confidence. But when I ran out, withdrawal hit like hell. A year and a half ago, I finally talked to my doctor about it and started antidepressants for the first time in my life. I went through four different kinds, but nothing really helped. So I stopped taking them. They weren’t working, and I didn’t see the point anymore.

Then, while I was still on antidepressants, I started taking Clonazepam again last month. The first time I took it, I felt like myself again. I told my doctor. She actually listened and said she’d see if she could help me get it properly.

And just when all of this was happening, I had to go in for carpal tunnel surgery on my hand. I’ve known for a year and a half that I needed surgery on both hands. I’m off work right now recovering, but my mind is a mess. On top of that, the Clonazepam I ordered in bulk wasn’t the same as the first one I got. Now I’m dealing with withdrawals again.

I don’t want to rely on this stuff anymore. I just want to be clean. But between my mental state, the stress, and everything else, I don’t know how to keep going.

I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like no matter how much time or effort I put into something, it just slips away. I don’t trust that if I throw myself into the sous-chef role, it won’t just fall apart like everything else. I feel like I’m just wasting my life chasing things that always fail.

And maybe, just maybe, the only way out is to just end it. To stop this misery and be done with it.

But I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe someone out there has been through something like this and made it through. I don’t know what I need right now—advice, perspective, something. Anything.