trying hard to survive but the depression/fear/uncertainty has been making it so hard to breathe.

This job has been toxic for years due to a supervisor who doesn’t like me and has gone out of her way to make it clear. This updated environment has been the final piece of the puzzle that shows me withdrawing emotionally from my family, struggling with fugue episodes regularly, and trying to bury the anxiety and self-recriminations 6 ft under my skin.

When this all started I thought I could fight. That I could wait it all out. At this point it’s everything I have to just to keep showing up and feeling the weight of all of it. I know I’m lucky to still have a job right now. Battling the guilt but also a desperate desire to abandon the ship. But, my boss said it best… once you’re a fed it’s almost impossible to do anything else. Basically implying the golden handcuffs keep us locked in and our skill sets become non-transferable to almost anything else in the private sectors.

I’m grateful to have a job at this exact moment. Is walking away and risking being without income until something else comes through just the worlds’ stupidest move ever?

EDIT TO ADD: My VSIP offer was shared yesterday and it was nothing like what was initially laid out in the email. Instead of a lump sum, they’re tying it to years of service (a weeks pay for every year), and if the amount exceeds the estimate based on your GS ranking, then you’ll get paid whichever is LESS.

Awful as this place is, I’m in it for now. I can’t justify separating for an embarrassingly low financial amount that would barely cover my rent. Ugh. There was no need for it to be misleading and shady, they literally could’ve said payouts based on years of service capped at your GS level. God.

Cue the song “I hate it here” 💀