Materialism collapsed in my mind, and I cannot call myself an atheist anymore

Essentially as the title says, I used to be a staunch materialist. Very argumentative, very sure that all the answers, while not present, were at least just around the corner. Nothing is truly real, it's all just mathematical expressions and computations, and eventually we as a species would just science ourselves out of existence. Then I discovered Idealism, and the hard problem of consciousness.

I was suddenly forced to take a look at myself, and accept that, in reality, I am. If everything was purely conceptual and nothing had any actual "real" reality, then I, and every other human on earth, would just be a p-zombie with no actual experience. Sure there could be giant chemical structures that exist and can react to light waves that reach their "eyes", but there wouldn't be color. There wouldn't be a self. Sensation, time, experience, etc., wouldn't exist. This clearly isn't the case; our existence is objectively more than chemical and electrical processes, and almost like poetry, this can only be discovered by looking inward.

Suddenly, the realization of how much I, and we as a species, truly don't know hit me like a freight train. Suddenly, deep down, I knew I could no longer deny that miracles can happen, since truly I am one. My journey is still far from over, and I haven't quite settled down anywhere spiritually/religiously, but man, it feels good.

It's definitely not the easiest journey to go on alone, staring into the abyss isn't all that pleasant when you realize the abyss truly can stare back. So if anyone here feels themselves going down the same path and wants to reach out feel free to :)

I recommend looking into Rupert Spira, Bernardo Kastrup, Federico Faggin, Roger Penrose, and their views on idealism. Truly great minds, and although not religious per-se, and of course don't have everything figured out either, are a wonderful breath of fresh air from all that materialism nonsense.