Lost my baby
I lost my girl, almost 12 years old, today. She was my baby, my world. She was so feisty and demanding and loving. My constant companion, we were together 24/7 and I don’t know how I’m supposed to exist without her.
The photo is just one of the many times I held her paw while she slept, because she liked that.
I haven’t set an alarm clock in years because she never misses breakfast, not even by a minute. And if she woke up early she’d sit and stare at me through the mirror til I got up.
I haven’t had a single meal alone in years, not even a snack, and she always had a nibble.
Even when I worked she slept right at my feet so I couldn’t get out of the chair without her knowing.
She wasn’t crazy about showers but she’d sit outside the door and wait. Always watching over her mom.
My girl loved car rides and would demand one every day - just a swing around the block and then she could take her afternoon nap. How am I supposed to get into that car without her?
She didn’t like to be told what to do but treats were always welcomed when giving her a suggestion.
She did love moms cooking and I’m so grateful for the years I had to make her all the meals, all the treats, that I gave her better than what most humans have. I couldn’t step into the kitchen without her losing it thinking something special was coming her way.
She saw me as the weak one who needed to be protected and no one was touching her mom. My girl loved scratchies and other people, but not if it was just us. She had to protect her mommy.
She LOVED to pull her mom around and show her who the boss was(playing tug), as if I ever thought it was me. She would drag me all around until we got into her “corner” which to her meant she won and then was ready to go off on her own and chew a bone in peace.
Her and her bones, boy oh boy did she love her bones. But she wouldn’t chew one until mom chased her around a little bit. Like a “ohhh look what I got you can’t have it” kinda thing. She was so proud once I’d “give up.” Show it off, flaunt it, then destroy it.
Gosh she made me laugh so much, and I’d joke that my laughing annoyed her cause she’d always huff and puff. Like “shut up lady my shows on”.
She loved to just sit on the couch with me and watch tv. It got to the point that going to bed was too much so I’d been sleeping with her on the couch and now… how do I do that?
The house is so quiet.
There’s not going to be bones positioned just right for me to step on in the dark anymore.
Eventually there won’t be any hair sticking to my clothes.
The water bowl doesn’t need to be cleaned and refilled.
I lost my whole world today. My heart, my soul left me. For whatever kindness, it was so quick. She just looked at me and was gone. She wasn’t sick and it wasn’t painful.
My baby was a baby, my baby. She was hairy and had some extra legs but she was her mommy’s baby.
I keep trying to tell myself to hold it together, because if she’s just on the other side of the veil watching I don’t want her to feel bad. But I don’t know how I am going to do it.
I’m sitting here thinking what I could have done better, how I could have enjoyed more with her but I don’t think there’s anything we didn’t do together.
Maybe someday there will be peace in that.
I’ve never struggled with gods or heaven but right now I’ve never been more scared. My own mortality never has bothered me but hers, I’d do anything to change it. To give her more time.
How does anyone’s heart survive this?
I hope you found your big sister baby girl and you can finally run around again, that you are somewhere chasing all the rabbits and squirrels and that maybe you’ve found my grandma and that she’s taking care of you like she took care of me. I hope you get to lay out in the sun all day and never have to take a bath again. I hope the bone supply is endless and that you have all the blankets and couches to choose from.
I hope you know how much I love you. I’d have done anything to keep you with me longer but I know you were tired. I know how much you loved me and I know you wouldn’t have left a minute sooner than you had to.
I’ll figure it out eventually but the world sucks without you in it. I love you. I love you so much.
I lost my girl, almost 12 years old, today. She was my baby, my world. She was so feisty and demanding and loving. My constant companion, we were together 24/7 and I don’t know how I’m supposed to exist without her.
The photo is just one of the many times I held her paw while she slept, because she liked that.
I haven’t set an alarm clock in years because she never misses breakfast, not even by a minute. And if she woke up early she’d sit and stare at me through the mirror til I got up.
I haven’t had a single meal alone in years, not even a snack, and she always had a nibble.
Even when I worked she slept right at my feet so I couldn’t get out of the chair without her knowing.
She wasn’t crazy about showers but she’d sit outside the door and wait. Always watching over her mom.
My girl loved car rides and would demand one every day - just a swing around the block and then she could take her afternoon nap. How am I supposed to get into that car without her?
She didn’t like to be told what to do but treats were always welcomed when giving her a suggestion.
She did love moms cooking and I’m so grateful for the years I had to make her all the meals, all the treats, that I gave her better than what most humans have. I couldn’t step into the kitchen without her losing it thinking something special was coming her way.
She saw me as the weak one who needed to be protected and no one was touching her mom. My girl loved scratchies and other people, but not if it was just us. She had to protect her mommy.
She LOVED to pull her mom around and show her who the boss was(playing tug), as if I ever thought it was me. She would drag me all around until we got into her “corner” which to her meant she won and then was ready to go off on her own and chew a bone in peace.
Her and her bones, boy oh boy did she love her bones. But she wouldn’t chew one until mom chased her around a little bit. Like a “ohhh look what I got you can’t have it” kinda thing. She was so proud once I’d “give up.” Show it off, flaunt it, then destroy it.
Gosh she made me laugh so much, and I’d joke that my laughing annoyed her cause she’d always huff and puff. Like “shut up lady my shows on”.
She loved to just sit on the couch with me and watch tv. It got to the point that going to bed was too much so I’d been sleeping with her on the couch and now… how do I do that?
The house is so quiet.
There’s not going to be bones positioned just right for me to step on in the dark anymore.
Eventually there won’t be any hair sticking to my clothes.
The water bowl doesn’t need to be cleaned and refilled.
I lost my whole world today. My heart, my soul left me. For whatever kindness, it was so quick. She just looked at me and was gone. She wasn’t sick and it wasn’t painful.
My baby was a baby, my baby. She was hairy and had some extra legs but she was her mommy’s baby.
I keep trying to tell myself to hold it together, because if she’s just on the other side of the veil watching I don’t want her to feel bad. But I don’t know how I am going to do it.
I’m sitting here thinking what I could have done better, how I could have enjoyed more with her but I don’t think there’s anything we didn’t do together.
Maybe someday there will be peace in that.
I’ve never struggled with gods or heaven but right now I’ve never been more scared. My own mortality never has bothered me but hers, I’d do anything to change it. To give her more time.
How does anyone’s heart survive this?
I hope you found your big sister baby girl and you can finally run around again, that you are somewhere chasing all the rabbits and squirrels and that maybe you’ve found my grandma and that she’s taking care of you like she took care of me. I hope you get to lay out in the sun all day and never have to take a bath again. I hope the bone supply is endless and that you have all the blankets and couches to choose from.
I hope you know how much I love you. I’d have done anything to keep you with me longer but I know you were tired. I know how much you loved me and I know you wouldn’t have left a minute sooner than you had to.
I’ll figure it out eventually but the world sucks without you in it. I love you. I love you so much.