the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more miserable life is for you

I (21F) feel as if I am a fairly emotionally intelligent being. I am empathetic to the point where it hurts me. I can quickly pick up on things like social cues, mood shifts, manipulation, subtle ridicule, hidden motives, and etc.

I always thought of my emotional intelligence and my ability to empathize as a strength. However, i’m starting to realize how miserable it makes me and I sometimes wish I was blind to it all so that I wouldn’t need to care. The harsh reality is that I am overly aware to the point of misery.

It’s honestly very draining mentally, to be able to dissect people’s words and actions, and understand their deeper hidden motives along with how it directly hurts people, who then suffer silently as a result of this kind of treatment. Whenever I sense a negative mood shift within someone following an interaction, I empathize so hard to the point where I can feel my stomach and heart drop with them, that taste of blood in your mouth, the painful sharp tingles in your nose you feel before you’re about to cry. You can imagine how often I feel this way, considering no one knows how to treat eachother nowadays.

It makes you realize how awful, self-centered, and manipulative people are. Of course i’m not a saint either but compared to how i’ve seen other people act I would say i’m a pretty decent and empathetic human being. I’m having a hard time maintaining friendships and relationships because I start to see people for how they really are and my resentment for them grows to the point where even just conversing with them makes me angry. In my life there isn’t a single person I can rely on and fully trust just because I can always easily see right through people and am over-aware of the motives people hold and manipulation tactics.

Superiority complexes are on the rise and conversations and relationships are growing more meaningless. No matter where I place myself, people are eager to be superior to everyone else. All my past friend groups were fueled by the need to be superior to everyone else in it. It felt like we were always competing against eachother and that pretty much sums up every relationship i’ve ever had. Every single relationship including familial and friendship has tried to make me feel inferior in some sort of way. It’s not that I feel threatened, I don’t care for being the best, or better than someone, I crave genuine human connection that betters both parties involved. I want uplifting and meaningful relationships but people desiring those are rare. I want to be proud of someone for growing as I want someone to be proud of me. It seems as though people only crave relationships to fuel their superiority complex nowadays.

What makes me especially miserable is realizing how awful people you once looked up to are. It could be parents, siblings, your closest friend, an older figure in your life. When you grow up you realize how inherently evil people can be. It is a part of free will after all.

I’m angry at everyone who has taken advantage of my innocence and desire to spread love. I used to be the most giving, innocent, and optimistic girl that believed in the good of people. Now I understand that being nice gets you basically nowhere and people will see it as a weakness they can benefit from.

However, no matter how many times i’ve been wronged I still try to believe people can be good and change. Maybe that is my biggest flaw after all and the reason i’m always left disappointed. I give people countless chances and no matter what i’m always left hurting. I wish I was 4 again when the scariest thing to me was monsters under my bed, rather than the free will humans possess.

Is there anyone else that feels this way?

EDIT: Thanks for all your comments, I appreciate every single one of you for your input and want you to know i’m opening my eyes to these new perspectives you all have to offer. I realize I still have a lot to learn, mainly within my own emotions and how I let it control me along with my extension of too much energy into the uncontrollable.

I didn’t expect this post to blow up so I don’t believe I can respond to all of you, but just know that I am reading all these with an appreciative and open mind. Thanks for helping me, and others who feel the same way feel understood, or for offering advice and new outlooks.