Lost everything for my ex-husband now I’m feeling stupid and covered in debt

Hi, I already posted my story in another thread, I’m post it here to have more thoughts.

Hello, please excuse my grammar since English isn’t my first language. And I’m sorry for the long story, I want to get it out of my chest and stop thinking about it. Hi my name is Sam and I’m (30f), I was married to my ex (36m). I met my ex at work, we hit it off nicely, at that time I was 26, had my dream car, a well paying job, and I was debt free. I met him in 2020 when I was celebrating my bday at work. I admit that what happened to me was 90% my fault (or that was I keep on telling myself) however, after meeting my ex in about a year into the relationship everything went downhill. When he discovered how much I’m getting monthly he quit his job and kept on blaming me saying I told him to do so (which I didn’t, I only told him “find a new job and then leave this one”) but he never did. At first we were living in a small studio apartment under my name and he started to complain about how small the place is. I said I got it for me, if he wants he should get a job and find somewhere else that suits both of us. He started fighting with me and kept on accusing me of having a relationship with someone in that apartment (which is not true). He left the place and I sat there crying. (A little side story: I left home few months after I met him, I had a fight with my family because of him, I also lost all my friends because of him, when I left home he stopped talking to me, and because I was naive and him being my first relationship ever I felt abandoned and unwanted, I didn’t want to go back home so I rented the small apartment for myself). After 3 days he came back wanting to fix the relationship and then he kept on blaming me for his actions and assumptions. And I believed him (I want to say that I was young, but I was just stupid, I know I shouldn’t say that about myself but that’s how I feel now). He fist made me sell my car saying it had an unfixable damage I cried and I wanted to find a way to fix whatever damage the car had (that car was and still is my dream car, and I got it with my own money) so I started to talk to the dealership and when he saw me finding a solution for the damage he got mad and started accusing me of being unfaithful again and gaslighting me. He sold my car and he wanted to celebrate when I refused he went out, got drunk, went to a “massage” place and came back pissed that I let him cheat on me and tried to SA me. I stopped him and kicked him out. The day after he came to my workplace and caused a big scene which the admin issued to warrant against me. He saw me going to the meeting room with the manager and the admin staff and kept yelling “you deserve this”. Later on that day he came back to my place and kept asking for forgiveness saying that he was drunk and he was not thinking straight (which again blamed me for). And again I forgave him. (Yes now I see how naive and stupid I was for giving him another chance). And for my 27th bday, he organised a surprise party for me using a credit card that he issued under my name without telling me (I didn’t know about it till recently). He took me to a nice hotel we had few drinks and had a nice time (I said nice because when the waiter brought me a cake and the staff sang happy birthday, some people joined and wished me a happy birthday as well, which later on caused another fight and he blamed me for it… AGAIN) however this time he kept on forcing me to have sx but I told him that I’m tired and I didn’t want to, he didn’t let it go and then he SAed me which led me to get pregnant. (It’s not like we didn’t have sx thought out the relationship but it was never forced and never when I’m drunk). 3 months later I noticed that my period didn’t come so I did one of those home tests which came positive. I panicked because being pregnant outside marriage is against the law in my country. When I told him about it, he kept on saying that I cheated on him and it was someone else’s baby and I’m just trying to pinned it on him. That escalated into a huge fight where it got physical. I got really depressed and I stopped going to work (1- because I didn’t have a car. 2- I didn’t have money for the cap/ food) and when he saw that I got broke and can’t pay for anything (can’t pay for the rent, can’t pay the phone bill, can’t pay for anything) he then left for 2 months, then I called my mom panicking and she knew I was pregnant. He helped me report him to the police where they said I should make him sign the marriage certificate or we both go to jail and I lose my baby. Mom was pissed at me (I don’t blame her) and he was nowhere to be found, I spent days crying alone and hearing all kind of bad things from my family “how bad of a person I am, I shouldn’t deserve to live, this baby will live unwanted and hated because of me, and so on”. And when I finally found him my dad forced him to marry me which he did, (at that time I was 7 months pregnant). He was always fighting with me and always took my money that my parents gave me (he would steal my wallet at night and leave). And in April when I gave birth I kept telling my son that I will never leave him and never let anything bad happen to him and I will always love him. He (my ex) kept hearing me saying all of that to the baby but never even thought of holding him. And when the doctor said that I’m not allowed to have s*x for the first 6 months because of the stitches and that my body needs to heal from everything, he got pissed, he kept on trashing the place and he never helped me with anything, I was left to do everything by myself. When mom came to visit she noticed how bad the place is and I told her that I’m not getting any help and I’m super busy with the child and i don’t know how will I provide for him. Mom wanted to give me the money but I said no, it’s better if I go with her and buy the necessary items I wanted. Soon after the birth I was able to get my job back, the same company but a different department. However some rules had to be made, one which I wasn’t able to receive my salary in the first 2 months and they will deduct some of my salary to cover for the damages and the absences fines. Im the only female in the office and the other coworkers are all male, I have my own office and I report to the manager directly, I was able to find a nice nursery close to my work (which mom paid for the first 2 months). One day He hear me telling mom that I want to go shopping for baby stuff and started screaming at me saying that he can’t sleep because of the baby and he can’t smoke at his own home. At that time I finally snapped and I told him if he’d grow up and be a man we’d have a better life. He got pissed so he went to drawer where I keep my pain killers and he swallowed a bunch of them and then he went the washroom and poured the cleaning fluid on himself, I immediately called the cops to take him and I also told his sisters to go and look for their brother in the hospital and I’m filing for divorce. When his sister saw him they spammed my phone blaming me for what happened to him and when I said they better stop or I’ll call the police on them too their tone shifted. (Side story: I only met his family once and that was after I gave birth, he never told them about me or my baby, when his sister saw my boy that pointed that he looks like his father and his TWIN brother, where he later kept saying that I slept with). My family did accept my son (thankfully) but every now and then I hear them saying that if my sisters didn’t get married it’s going to be my fault. My parents are divorced since 2017 and mom had the custody of my sisters and I, but after my pregnancy my father filed for custody and now they live with him, mom keeps saying that she lost her daughters because of me and it’s all my fault that she can’t see them anymore. (I’m the second oldest daughter, the eldest is 31 now, the youngest is 15, they all have driving license and cars (except the youngest)). I’m just overwhelmed with being a single mom and I’m worried about how will I manage closing the credit card with the whole outstanding debts and my old phone and the old car payment, I don’t know how will I be able to do anything. I just want to cry. Sorry for the very long post, I’m just lost.