Found out my boyfriend cheated on me last October, stayed
Bit of a long post. Sorry. Last October I had serious suspicions- due to a lot of evidence- that my boyfriend, of 2 years, was cheating on me, while I was working away (1 week on, 3-4 weeks off, making big bucks for us) I asked him when I came home, he admitted he went out drinking with his friends and took a girl back to his car. I already made the decision on my week at work (which I cut short to come home cause I was physically sick thinking/knowing in my heart what he had done) that I was going to forgive him if we could work through it together, being open and honest and make efforts towards rebuilding trust. Hell, even though I've never cheated on him, I've done my fair share of being a piece of s**t person in my past, I know people make mistakes, we are all human. I love this man. And although it was a really hard thing to move passed, we kind of did it. The suspisions came up again this March. And I hate myself for it, but I looked through his email. I found emails from a dating app in his deleted folder, an email confirmation and then a promotional type of email. I asked him about it, with a thorough explanation about how crazy I felt about going through his email, and that I did not want to cause a fight, I just needed an explanation. He chalked it up to spam, when I asked why he deleted it, when he never deletes emails, he said he didn't want me to worry. Fast forward to now, he's on a trip overseas with his two brothers. This infidelity thing has been on my mind like crazy. I was petrified leading up to this trip, that he was going to cheat on me while he was gone. He got a little distant over whatsapp, and then there was a couple times he couldn't call me because of the time difference and stuff, and I got very upset. A little more backstory about me.. I have borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, adhd, and difficult past trauma that has been hard to face and work through. I started my personal mental health and therapy journey in 2018, it's been long and very trying. I'm on medication, and I go to therapy. I feel I've made a lot of improvements, but if I'm ever in severe emotional distress, these past tendencies can come through. I absolutely hate myself whenever it happens, even though it's not frequent, it just feels like all the work I've done is meaningless and my world just crumbles around me, I feel like a completely different person. I hate it. It's also been an annoying, but fair, thing that gets brought up by people that know me personally. "I've had a tendency to be irrational, so I'm probably just being irrational". So I try to avoid any confrontation with people I love, for fear of it just being summed up as another time I'm being "crazy". ANYWAY, I'm here alone while boyfriend is being distant in a far away place, and I get really depressed and I (definitely unfairly) lashed out, saying it was not right for him not to message me before he went to bed and when he woke up (like we agreed we would, mostly to make sure we're still alive, but also to give me a sense of normality while he's away). And although it was a lengthy conversation, I was left feeling like, "well I'm just being irrational again, for no reason, I am crazy, and I need to lay off and let him have fun with his brothers in a new country. Just chill". Today- even though things have simmered, I've apologized, and called my doctor to up my meds and got into a new group therapy as well as some other online therapies, so I can be more prepared for when I slip- I could not get through this paranoia again. I check his email. In his deleted file is an email saying he has deleted an account on a dating app. In the email it says you can recover the acount. I do it. I see he's made an account for himself, with his location as where he is overseas. He uploaded three pictures. Two of them with our cats, the cats I had before I even met him. I could not see if he messaged or liked anyone. Not sure if he deleted them, or if he just uploaded the app In a rage while we were fighting, then deleted it when we made up. I honestly have no idea what to do. This has taken me so long to write since I can't stop shaking, I'm physically sick. When I seen the email and opened the profile, I just straight up sat there for fifteen minutes disassociate and vibrating. When I came back to reality, I had to run to the washroom before I threw up all overthe keyboard. I don't know what to think and what to do. Why am I doing this? Am I just completely crazy? Why am I here? Why am I still here? ... Coffee i got delivered, vape, my favorite chocolate bar. Can't eat the chocolate bar, I had one bite and threw up again. I shouldn't even have coffee, the adhd medication I got on to make myself a better person, for this relationship (ya know, because I'm crazy) mixed with caffeine really messes me up. But I used to love coffee. Now everything just tastes like garbage.
Bit of a long post. Sorry. Last October I had serious suspicions- due to a lot of evidence- that my boyfriend, of 2 years, was cheating on me, while I was working away (1 week on, 3-4 weeks off, making big bucks for us) I asked him when I came home, he admitted he went out drinking with his friends and took a girl back to his car. I already made the decision on my week at work (which I cut short to come home cause I was physically sick thinking/knowing in my heart what he had done) that I was going to forgive him if we could work through it together, being open and honest and make efforts towards rebuilding trust. Hell, even though I've never cheated on him, I've done my fair share of being a piece of s**t person in my past, I know people make mistakes, we are all human. I love this man. And although it was a really hard thing to move passed, we kind of did it. The suspisions came up again this March. And I hate myself for it, but I looked through his email. I found emails from a dating app in his deleted folder, an email confirmation and then a promotional type of email. I asked him about it, with a thorough explanation about how crazy I felt about going through his email, and that I did not want to cause a fight, I just needed an explanation. He chalked it up to spam, when I asked why he deleted it, when he never deletes emails, he said he didn't want me to worry. Fast forward to now, he's on a trip overseas with his two brothers. This infidelity thing has been on my mind like crazy. I was petrified leading up to this trip, that he was going to cheat on me while he was gone. He got a little distant over whatsapp, and then there was a couple times he couldn't call me because of the time difference and stuff, and I got very upset. A little more backstory about me.. I have borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, adhd, and difficult past trauma that has been hard to face and work through. I started my personal mental health and therapy journey in 2018, it's been long and very trying. I'm on medication, and I go to therapy. I feel I've made a lot of improvements, but if I'm ever in severe emotional distress, these past tendencies can come through. I absolutely hate myself whenever it happens, even though it's not frequent, it just feels like all the work I've done is meaningless and my world just crumbles around me, I feel like a completely different person. I hate it. It's also been an annoying, but fair, thing that gets brought up by people that know me personally. "I've had a tendency to be irrational, so I'm probably just being irrational". So I try to avoid any confrontation with people I love, for fear of it just being summed up as another time I'm being "crazy". ANYWAY, I'm here alone while boyfriend is being distant in a far away place, and I get really depressed and I (definitely unfairly) lashed out, saying it was not right for him not to message me before he went to bed and when he woke up (like we agreed we would, mostly to make sure we're still alive, but also to give me a sense of normality while he's away). And although it was a lengthy conversation, I was left feeling like, "well I'm just being irrational again, for no reason, I am crazy, and I need to lay off and let him have fun with his brothers in a new country. Just chill". Today- even though things have simmered, I've apologized, and called my doctor to up my meds and got into a new group therapy as well as some other online therapies, so I can be more prepared for when I slip- I could not get through this paranoia again. I check his email. In his deleted file is an email saying he has deleted an account on a dating app. In the email it says you can recover the acount. I do it. I see he's made an account for himself, with his location as where he is overseas. He uploaded three pictures. Two of them with our cats, the cats I had before I even met him. I could not see if he messaged or liked anyone. Not sure if he deleted them, or if he just uploaded the app In a rage while we were fighting, then deleted it when we made up. I honestly have no idea what to do. This has taken me so long to write since I can't stop shaking, I'm physically sick. When I seen the email and opened the profile, I just straight up sat there for fifteen minutes disassociate and vibrating. When I came back to reality, I had to run to the washroom before I threw up all overthe keyboard. I don't know what to think and what to do. Why am I doing this? Am I just completely crazy? Why am I here? Why am I still here? ... Coffee i got delivered, vape, my favorite chocolate bar. Can't eat the chocolate bar, I had one bite and threw up again. I shouldn't even have coffee, the adhd medication I got on to make myself a better person, for this relationship (ya know, because I'm crazy) mixed with caffeine really messes me up. But I used to love coffee. Now everything just tastes like garbage.