Introduction

I’m 43 year old woman. Single. Very successful by worldly standards. Great professional career and well respected in my industry.

I have a secret that nobody knows. I’m chronically depressed. I’ve dabbled in therapy without much success over the years. I’ve never found a therapist that I felt really got my situation. I’ve never tried rx medication for it.

I recently watched a video of a man interviewed as part of “special books for special kids” who described his depression with such clear detail, and I broke down and cried when I heard his description of his depression. When he was interviewed, he talks about knowing what joy is, but not being able to feel anymore. It hit me with such force…

I do feel joy sometimes, but it is so fleeting. The only thing that really brings me joy is my baby niece (she’s actually my cousins kid but she’s like my sister so considered a niece in my family). Everything else is just meh. Occasionally I can get motivated and appear normal in social settings, but it just takes so much effort that I mostly avoid it. Nobody knows. I don’t look forward to anything anymore.

I had a horrible upbringing with lots of neglect with two (divorced) very mentally ill parents. My mom has debilitating anxiety (prob borderline personality as well) and my dad is diagnosed bipolar. Both are alcoholics. I compensated by being overly mature even as a kid…which has allowed me a lot of outward success but I feel like a shell of a person inside and am chronically lonely. There were some bright spots but the darkness in my life is just so overpowering. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks for listening.