I'm more depressed than I ever have been

Never in my life have I felt more alone, lonely and depressed. Though I'm surrounded by family and people I love, I still feel empty and like I don't belong. It's weird. You can fit in so well with family and friends, yet feel so far away from each other at the same time. The whole time these holidays has felt the same. I'm with people I love, but still feel like shit. Idk what's wrong with me, but I hate it. I just want to be normal, to be happy again. My birthday's in a couple days and I bet that will just make me feel worse. A day all about me. I hate me, and the worst thing to do is celebrate someone you hate. I atleast hope my birthday wish to not wake up will come true. I doubt it will tho. They never do