I don’t want to do this anymore.

Firstly, I’m not going to off myself. That is not a possibility. So like it or not, I have to keep doing this. But I hate it. I do all the things: work out, stay in shape, work hard, pay my bills… and I just feel lonely and unhappy. I don’t want to do this anymore. I wish I could just blink out of existence and just not have to be anymore. Everyone says we should be happy to be alive but I really wish my parents had never had me. I’m in my late 30’s, single, lonely, unable to form healthy bonds. I live paycheck to paycheck despite making three times the average wage in my area. I have a therapist but I have trouble communicating my emotions and even if I were to, I don’t think people realize how much they affect me. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I’ve never had that. Even as a kid. I’ve always had to do that for myself and lately, I don’t feel like everything is going to be okay. Being fiercely independent is exhausting. I don’t want to do this anymore.