I’m tired of being the sick one.

I was diagnosed at 27, it was HL. I was told I will get better in 6 months & it’s an ‘easy’ cancer. Well, I’m going to turn 30 soon, have had 40+ chemos, and a transplant only to relapse within 40 days and in palliative care since October.

My family cannot accept that this is it and are still trying wholistic treatments etc. Euthanasia isn’t legal in my country. I’m in constant pain and agony.

When I tell people I wish I was dead they tell me to be positive and I swear I wasn’t this way, but I want to punch them now. I don’t want to, but I wish them to suffer like I am before asking why I’m giving up. I was a happy positive person. I really thought the transplant was it. I was hopeful. I was happy. When I was first diagnosed I took it like a champ. Then 3 treatments failed. I STILL took it like well thinking it will get better. Like it has to, right?

This feels like such a sick joke. I am suicidal and the only reason I can’t jump off (yet), is cause I’m worried will be in more pain. Like animals are allowed to die, why can’t I?

Haven’t 2.5 years of suffering not enough?

I can’t walk, talk, or take a shower without help. My family says they are okay with helping but I’m NOT. I was healthy. I did marathons, I was a national level taekwondo & handball player, I was great at my job.

I never even wanted to live a big life. Just simple one. This isn’t fair and frankly Idc if it’s fair or not. I just wish I was dead. Why don’t people get it? Like we are fighting because there is hope but if there isn’t it, then what’s all this pain for?

I have lost 20+ kgs since October. I can’t sit on my back because it hurts my bones. Idk what I did to deserve this but like fuck cancer. Honestly, fuck cancer.

I am sorry for the rant. Please do not post anything remotely optimistic unless it is you wishing me a peaceful death tonight.