Didn’t sleep, got in an accident, went off meds…

Haven’t been sleeping well for the last 3-4 weeks, but I had been biking early in the morning all that time (4-6am). Yesterday I was asked to increase a dose of olanzapine by my psych and felt a bit sleepy but I wanted to push through. Bad decision because five minutes within the ride, I broke a red light, didn’t check the car coming from the right side and I was on the ground, my elbow and knees slightly scraped. That didn’t bother me as much as the pain in my front teeth. I checked on my phone camera and yep, my front two teeth were visibly chipped.

I (22M) called my mom at 4:55am, in her sleep, asking her to pick me up because I started feeling dizzy and nauseated. She picked me up, worried about what happened. I came home and slept off. Woke up feeling extremely guilty and ashamed because I actually liked getting hit by the car…? It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. If it weren’t for the teeth thing, I wouldn’t have minded it at all. But I was filled with guilt, rage and embarrassment.

Luckily, I got my teeth filled and it looks normal now. But it’s slightly painful and there are some restrictions placed on me for life. I can’t have my natural teeth anymore…

I decided to go off the meds because they weren’t making me feel good or remotely okay anyway. I was feeling as unstable, if not more, on those 4 meds.

Sorry, for the huge ass vent. I’m newly diagnosed and I’m just suffering on my own. Nobody understands and I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to. I felt motivated then shaken then worried/anxious like it was some major catastrophe to feeling relaxed and even happy to feeling extremely shitty… it’s exhausting as I’m sure you people understand. I feel super unstable, everyday feels like a task and I don’t think anyone around me understands the severity of what I’m going through. Sometimes I feel I need to be in a ward