35 years experience. What BP feels like to me.

Mania made me feel like I could accomplish anything, needing no resources, no time, and no sleep. My worst depression felt as if I'd accidentally backed my car over my child and killed it; you can only imagine how terrible and crippling that would feel, easy to understand why ending it might seem like a logical solution to stop feeling that way.

I came to accept all kinds of responsibilities and assignments when manic that later felt crushing when I had swung to depression. That swing happened over and over again.

I've been a chemist my whole long career. Even so, at the start I found it impossible to understand that what I was experiencing was due to a chemical imbalance. The idea that I didn't have control over my brain was impossible to accept until I'd experienced a turnaround from zero to hero in 30 minutes with an amphetamine. Now I know this to be true to my very core.

After much experimentaion, I've found the 'secret sauce' that keeps me well.