I was not “built to birth”

Edit: I know we could've died, and I'm glad we didn't. But I don't need to be reminded of that to try to force gratitude when I already feel guilty.

My daughter will be 10 weeks tomorrow and I'm still struggling with my birth story, feeling like a failure because I was not "built to birth." The messaging that we're designed to do this and our births will go smoothly if we just let our body do what it's "supposed to" felt empowering and amazing during pregnancy. But after sudden heavy bleeding at work at 38 weeks, rushing to the hospital, being diagnosed with a grade 2 placental abruption, 50+ hours of Pitocin with no epidural, 14 hours of that awful balloon, Cervadil, laps and laps of walking around the L&D floor, and finally an emergency c section when the bleeding wouldn't stop... I feel like a failure. Like I'm not supposed to be a mom because my body wasn't able to give birth.

I would never put these feelings onto another mom, but they feel so heavy to me. I'm set up for success in terms of mental health. I'm doing weekly therapy, weekly PPD support group, Zoloft, and lots of social support. But I still feel empty and alone most of the time. Like motherhood imposter syndrome because of how intense my birth was. Any time I get a single minute to myself, I spiral out on how ashamed I feel about birth. When I think about having another baby, I want to lie on the floor and scream because I don't know how I could be back in L&D again. I just feel like a fraud because I worked so hard for 9 months to bring her into the world the way my body was allegedly "supposed to" and I wasn't enough. Healthy mom, healthy baby, sure, but I just feel hollow.