im about to quit my job

its been 8 months since Mateo died, and ive been back in normal society for 2 months.

im struggling so hard. im jealous of people and their kids. i work in a uniform store, so i thought it would be rare to see a little baby… WRONG. nurses are prolific af (jokes)

i feel like im letting so many people down. 😂 my dad literally expected me to quit. i have a history of less than a year at any job. i feel like im letting my new boss and manager down, they’re such sweethearts and they praise me constantly. but most importantly, i feel like im letting myself down, by giving in.

i swing so wildly between “you experienced child loss, move on” and “you experienced child loss, youll never be the same”. i compare myself to others too often; theyre back to work, so why arent i? my boyfriend went back to work 5 days after it happened. apparently, he almost lost his job because he was slacking so much. i idolized him for that. i beat myself up for not being able to do that.

i also feel like im supposed to be moving on. or maybe thats how everyone is making me feel, like my grief is supposed to have a timeline. my dad was the main reason i went back to work quickly, because he was pressuring me for being lazy. i wanted to be a stay at home mom. working was supposed to be out of the question for years. im supposed to be teaching my baby to crawl and talk right now.

part of me feels like ill be okay eventually, but i can’t expect my job to just work with me. i make minimum wage and its a dog eat dog world. ill definitely be replaced. but part of me wonders if i told them what was going on, and reapplied when im better.

idk. im probably just gonna quit and never look back. i want to get out of this bad memory town. thanks for listening this far.