Black out drunk again after months of just a couple

2 nights ago my ego got out of hand. I'm off work for a week with no responsibilities so decided to watch sport at a bar. The plan was 2 drinks and leave but I kept seeing and catching up with people. I physically left after 4 drinks to walk home but as I was leaving another was coming in and I went back.

Looking at my bank I bought around 10 drinks. After 8 I have no memory whatsoever. I don't remember leaving the bar but I've pieced together that I got a bus (ticket), I walked about in a park (pictures), I tried to get food (pictures) and I texted/called my entire contact list. I wiped my phone history as soon as I woke without looking into it out of shame. I don't know what I said or done.

I have been in a dangerous position of drinking 2 small drinks at a bar most days. I ensure I have commitments which prohibit me from more. Perhaps once a week I'll drink at home in the evening, another 2-3 drinks. I am mostly in control. I luckily find it quite easy to stop in these situations.

So most days I'm fine. There's very little damage to my life through alcohol which I'm thankful for. Yet, since I was 18 (12 years ago), I've probably only had one sober month. During that time I would estimate I've had 20-30 nights where drinking has negatively impacted my life and others. Out of control, rude, obnoxious, poor decisions. The shame becomes so strong that I will usually have 1-2 weeks of no alcohol after these nights and "promise" myself I won't get like that again.

But I always do, eventually, and when I least expect it. 2 nights ago I was having a really good time. Even after 5-6 drinks I felt in control. Even at 7. And then suddenly everything goes black. One sip flips a switch and it's like my mind is no longer in the room. Just my physical body functioning on impulse and without thought.

I drink mostly because of boredom and social anxiety/depression. A couple of drinks (as we all know) really helps those things in the short term. It's that social anxiety/depression which also causes so much shame. I've not left my house in 2 days. I don't know what I've said or done to people. I almost certainly crossed a line because my past actions would suggest so. I don't want people to think a certain way about me because of my actions when I'm black-out. Without making excuses, that person really isn't me. But I do have to take responsibility for letting it get to that point.

I'm 99% sure I didn't drink drive, get into a fight or any of the real bad things. But I almost definitely offended people, acted poorly and burnt bridges. Did I get kicked out the bar? Did I get kicked off the bus? Where was I going to?

I think I need sobriety. I need to sacrifice the 100s of good days of drinking because of the handful of bad nights like this.

I am my own harshest critic and I am beating myself up real bad over this. I find it really hard to let go of things. A strong part of me thinks even if I was sober for a year from now, I would still hate myself just the same because of my past actions. I don't feel like I can reach redemption or forgive myself, so is there really a point of quitting?

I hope at least some of you read this, sorry it's long. Hopefully for those who are sober it will help affirm your decision to be by not missing being this person.