Nearly died this week, again.

After a few (4) months off drinking, I (M33) made the decision that it felt safe/comfortable to have a few moderate drinks. I went out 2, maybe 3 times over 2 weeks, no more than 3 drinks each time. No desire to continue drinking any of the times, including the next day. Going wonderfully well.

Fast forward a week, I decided to go out again. That night I had 6, maybe 7 drinks. On the scale of things, not a ridiculous amount (they were all small Belgian beers over about 5 hours). The problem is I can't deal with hangovers/the day after feeling, and so the following morning, after realising I felt meh, I went to the shop and picked up a bottle of vodka (350ml), "just a small one, a one off, it'll be fine". Felt great. But needed another (bottle) in the evening. Then 3 more the next day, 4 or 5 the next.

Fast forward to this Wednesday, a week or so into the binge at this point. I felt extremely shit, so had 4 alcopops pre 8am. Then a bottle of wine pre 9am. Still not feeling fantastic, I decided to buy a 1L bottle of vodka, "I won't have it all today". But I did, pre 11am.

About an hour later the girlfriend came over to check in on me after being unresponsive most of the day. She found me on the living room floor, body convulsing, foaming at the mouth. Vomit down my chest, having urinated myself, slipping in and out of consciousness. She did the only thing she could do and rang an ambulance.

8 hours in A&E, wired up to an ECG, fluids, various tests including bloods, chest x-ray and CT scan. The doctor came over for a chat when I was coherent, "I hope you know how lucky you are because you very nearly died today". The lowest of the low...

But it wasn't the lowest of the low, because the exact same thing happened 12 months ago. Longer binge, unconscious on the kitchen floor on the last day. And another time before that when I came to by myself on the kitchen floor not knowing how I'd ended up there.

Despite my best efforts and beliefs, I think it's pretty clear now (and probably was months if not years ago), I can't live a life with alcohol in it. Just when you think you have control, the reality is, you probably don't, and in cases like mine, it's just waiting to pounce on you.

If you're wondering how I am, day 3 of a tapered withdrawal (no drinks today yet, maybe a small one later if I need it, but feeling confident I won't), actually feeling much more with it today. 3-5 days is usually all it takes to feel "normal" again. Therapist session this afternoon. Come tomorrow, maybe Monday? I definitely won't want a drink, the feeling will have gone. And then I'm staying off it for good.